I want to go for a drive... to sing out loud and cry hidden in darkness. I want to go wherever the road takes me. I want to be able to visit friends whenever I want, to see the people who mean the most to me. I want to drive and take in the autumn scenery, the coloring of leaves and the cool fall breeze. I want to think out loud, and talk to myself. I want to escape from the world, just for a while. I want to go for a drive.

she sends me an im and reads my mind, without saying a word she knew, she always does though. she probably knows how I feel before I feel it. when I explain things sometimes, I feel like I can't always put them in words, but she always says she understands and the thing is, shes not just saying it, she actually does understand. I've said thank you before, but not nearly enough, I never could thank you enough for our friendship, for understanding and for listening. you said it best... we're forever friends



thank you green giant

it puts me in a bad mood, every time I think about it. Every time I can't convince myself it isn't real, it isn't happening. It is... I guess it has been for a while. The worst part is I saw it coming, or I should have, and I would have. jealousy is an ugly thing.... but this is much more than just jealousy, this is jealousy with a history.

The new and improved.... "cozy walk-in closet" thats right folks, this means no more bunked beds, and tons of walking space. We can actually fit more than 3 people in our room now, and lets get a huge shout out to the newest addition to the best roomates ever list... LISA haha can you tell I'm excited? come visit me :-)

the same story, again and again... theres a reason I don't let people in.... the same story again and again, when will I learn?

I like walking around campus and already knowing people's faces, being said hi to, and feeling at home. I love the cozy closet, the pictures adorning my walls, gertrude sitting on my bed, and even the girl who sleeps on the bunk above me. I love Riley 307, fucking shit up, taking couches outside to watch the movie on the quad, stealing food from daka, having pj parties and playing more mario and ultimate frisbee than is necessary in life. I love the kids I feel like I have known for years, the boy who is always in my room, and always making me laugh, the girls who get dressed up and party and when I wear my hair down tell me I look pretty, the boys next door who entertain me, and let me sit on their couch, the boy who helps me with physics and explains things to me when I don't understand, the girl whos my roommate and listens to me talk and lets me watch tv before bed. I even love the friends and girlfriends who come to visit our floor, my new friends, and me.

I miss my old friends, my home, my family... but its safe to say I'm happy here. I picked the right school for me and I found a few more friends that will last a lifetime..

sometimes I do wish I'd just give in...

she asked me in the car today... "do you drink paige?" I found myself wanting to say yes. I answered no, she said "thats cool, you should still come with us.... etc" and shes right, I should still go with them and maybe I will...

but her question bothered me, the fact that yes crossed my mind bothered me. It wasn't the fact that I wanted to drink, I don't want to... its just that sometimes I wish I did want to . It'd make life easier, easier to "make friends", easier to meet guys, easier to feel like a part of something. It'd stop people from making assumptions about me, stop people from judging me based on one thing, one STUPID thing.

It is stupid... so I don't drink? Does that make me a bad person? a bad friend? I hope not.

Dont get me wrong I don't care if people drink, do whatever you want... I'm not here to judge and quite frankly I don't care either way. But thats my point, if I don't judge, then what gives people the right to judge me? why do people get to make me feel like I'm not good enough?

Anyway this led me to one thing... this is peer pressure. Its not the people saying "drink, come drink with us" that people have a hard time saying no to, its the chance that maybe they will miss out on something, miss out on being a part of something.... this is peer pressure and for once, I'm feeling it

sometimes I wish I'd just give in.....







but I know myself well enough to know I won't...I don't want to

this is what I live for... the challenge, the sweat, the high fives, the pain, the girls, the coaches, learning to push myself farther, harder, longer, trying to prove everyone wrong, the perfect shot, rebound, steal, the cheering of teammates, the freshman beating the upperclassman

but

this is whats killing me... the feeling of frustration, the never knowing, the pain, the girls, still being just that one step behind, the lack of self-confidence, the running, the hours and hours, the questions, the heartbreak of not quite being good enough





I don't know if its worth it anymore...



________________ ....when did the game stop being fun?