I hate seeing you. We spend some time together and I'm flooded with memories, emotions. I want to tell you. I know it could blow up in my face, or work out... but right now I just feel the need to get it off my chest. I won't tell you, because I wouldn't do that to you, and because I won't risk losing you. But I do wish I could tell you, I wish it was me... not her
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
Thursday, January 04, 2007
I like to be alone, I like to be by myself even if only for an hour or two everyday. It allows me to decompress, to be alone with my thoughts, or to distract myself from all of the thoughts always bouncing around in my head. But today my mom asked me if I was lonely being in the dorm all alone with basically nothing to do and no one to see. The thought hadn't even crossed my mind, lonely? not enjoying my alone time? The truth is, I enjoyed my time alone today. Today was good, but the days before.... a few days before what I hated more than anything was being alone.
I dreaded the times they left for practice, the times they went to team events, or even when they just went to sleep. When they left I couldn't fake it, when they left I couldn't control the thoughts running constantly through my head. As soon as they walked out the door, or I could tell they were asleep... I couldn't stop the tears. I uncontrollably sobbed for countless hours, my chest hurt at the end of each day and my eyes stung, probably from dehydration. But what I wanted, no what I needed, more than anything was to not be alone. I needed to be with someone who knew me, someone who loved me.
I don't regret quitting basketball, I had to do it...for me. So, I wasn't crying because I missed going to practice or felt left out, or even because I missed basketball, I was crying because of how she made me feel. How small, and awful she told me I was....whats worse is, I believe(d) her.
I know I could have called a good number of people. I could have called and said 3 little words "I need you" and I know they all would have come to my rescue. They would have come and rubbed my back, wiped my tears, and told me whatever it was I needed to hear. But I couldn't do it, I couldn't pick up the phone... and when I did I could control my breath, control the tears. I could carry a normal conversation and act like although I was upset, I was fine.
I need to learn to ask for help. I need to learn to be able to tell people that I'm upset or just let go and cry in front of them. I need to learn to trust and to let myself need someone. I know its too late, but yesterday in the car you made a good point.. if you never tell people what you need, they'll never know and then you'll probably never get it. I needed you to be there, I needed you to sit with me while I cried.
Next time I'll try to do better, I'll try to pick up the phone and tell you I need you.
I dreaded the times they left for practice, the times they went to team events, or even when they just went to sleep. When they left I couldn't fake it, when they left I couldn't control the thoughts running constantly through my head. As soon as they walked out the door, or I could tell they were asleep... I couldn't stop the tears. I uncontrollably sobbed for countless hours, my chest hurt at the end of each day and my eyes stung, probably from dehydration. But what I wanted, no what I needed, more than anything was to not be alone. I needed to be with someone who knew me, someone who loved me.
I don't regret quitting basketball, I had to do it...for me. So, I wasn't crying because I missed going to practice or felt left out, or even because I missed basketball, I was crying because of how she made me feel. How small, and awful she told me I was....whats worse is, I believe(d) her.
I know I could have called a good number of people. I could have called and said 3 little words "I need you" and I know they all would have come to my rescue. They would have come and rubbed my back, wiped my tears, and told me whatever it was I needed to hear. But I couldn't do it, I couldn't pick up the phone... and when I did I could control my breath, control the tears. I could carry a normal conversation and act like although I was upset, I was fine.
I need to learn to ask for help. I need to learn to be able to tell people that I'm upset or just let go and cry in front of them. I need to learn to trust and to let myself need someone. I know its too late, but yesterday in the car you made a good point.. if you never tell people what you need, they'll never know and then you'll probably never get it. I needed you to be there, I needed you to sit with me while I cried.
Next time I'll try to do better, I'll try to pick up the phone and tell you I need you.
