They say smell is the strongest trigger for memories, and when I breathe in I smell you. I am still unpacking a lot of my stuff and figuring out what I want, I forgot I even had this. I remember you giving it to me, I remember wearing it one night to bed, I remember conciously not washing it because it smelled just like you, but I had forgotten all about it. I've only talked to you a few times, and I know I'll probably never be anything more to you, but when I lay here, close my eyes, and just breathe in....its as if you were here next to me, just talking. Thats what we always did, just tallked. I wouldn't trade our friendship for anything, and I cannot wait to see you when I return to worcester this fall...you're right, we'll have to schedule us time since you won't just be down the hall...but I also can't lie this is one of those times I really wish you were here; playing mario kart, hitting me with a pillow, making fun of my "giggle", or better yet just talking, I wish you were here and I wish . . .

What do you want to be when you grow up?

A mother.... a really good one.

I babysat 3 little kids today, 3 little kids I had never met before. I drew pictures of them on an etchosketch and watched as they attempted to draw pictures of me, listening to their descriptions of the scribbles that were supposed to be my eyes, nose and mouth. I played catch with a boy who can't throw a ball and certainly can't catch. I sat down on the couch, only to be jumped on by 2 kids and have my arm grabbed by another who wanted to be tickled. I gave them snacks and drinks and picked up the crumbs that created a trail following their play path through out the living room. I helped them brush their teeth, tucked them in bed, and listened nervously to the monitors set up in the kitchen.

The oldest girl had trouble falling asleep I told her, as best I could, the story of cinderella, and when she told me she missed her mommy and daddy I sat down next to her bed, and let her hold me hand, assuring her I wouldn't leave her side until she fell asleep. When she rolled over and closed her eyes, she put her free hand on my arm before removing the one already there. I sat in the dark and listened to her breathe for 20 minutes, just to be sure she was really asleep. I slipped my hand out of her hold and snuck down the stairs, thinking all the while about my little girl and what she'll someday be like.

I want a to be a mother; I want to be depended on, looked to for safety, loved and adored, I want to be called out for at night to scare away monsters and wipe away tears, I want to teach my kids how to ride a bike, and send them off for their first day of school with tears of fear and pride in my eyes, I want to take lots of pictures and remember every hug, I want to buy them a dog and even send them to timeout when its necesary. I want to be a mother because no matter how you say it; mum, ma, mommy, mother, madre, mama, or even just mom, a mother... for better or for worse, is unreplacable and undenialbly your own.




And as I lay on the ground with them crawling all over me, I felt more at ease with myself than ever before.

when I got off the phone with you I was crying.... that was the first time I had ever said it outloud, the first time I had ever voiced one my deepest fears. Its not really a fear anymore, more of a reality I didn't want to accept. Some small part of me still thinks if I work hard enough I can make it happen (and maybe I will), but most of me has finally given into the more realistic idea that it just isn't going to happen. I've started to think about other things I could do to fill my time, other activities I could participate in, strengths of mine I could finally put to use. I know I'll go back and miss it, and I worry I'll lose all the friends that I had made, but I also think life would be so much easier. "it's time I face some realities about myself" I think that was the phrase I used.... I'm not making an decisions now but I'm becoming more comfortable with the idea, even though it hurts.

I've come to rely on you . . . you're my steadying force when everything inside me is unbalanced and unsure. I'm more honest with you than I am with myself, or actually you're more honest with me. You tell me when I'm lying or rather avoiding things, although at this point I know I don't need to/can't hide anything from you; when I do it, it's purely out of habit and you always call my bluff. I respect and admire you, for many reasons but it can all be summed up in the basic truth that you are one of the best people I have ever known. We have a lot of little sayings, and a lot of memories to go with them. But the one I haven't heard in a while, is the one I think fits us best... we're forever friends.

Let's become eccentric together- the kind of old ladies who take long walks, wear silly hats, and get away with acting outrageous in public places. And if anybody should ask how long we've been friends, we'll say, "Oh, forever-since before you were even born!"