I'm sorry I was difficult... you know how I get though

I honestly wasn't in bad pain, I mean sore and extremly tired but it wasn't painful, and pain was my biggest fear, because pain meant something was wrong.

And I don't mean this to sound cocky, but I thought I did ok, I mean during the drills and during the scrimmages/plays. I could keep up, I could hit the shots, I could still throw a ball, but it hit me in the face before the drills, before the plays... it hit when we had to run.

I've never been the fastest on any team, but by no means have I ever been the slowest. Slowest isn't bad, but to go from beating half the team, to seeing the entire team's backs as they run quite a ways in front of me... well it hit home. I didn't expect to be back to my normal, I know I'd be slow, out of shape, and off my game... that was ok, but I didn't expect to be sucking wind as hard as I was.

The thing is, I beat the injury right? I mean I got cleared to play, 3 months early, I can play bball, but I didn't beat the injury...everyday I go out on that court and run in far behind my team, I lose. I know everyone says not to push myself, and I know they mean well, but its by pushing myself I have come this far. I have alot farther to push, and its no longer just a battle against time, but a battle against myself.

I'm frustrated, and tired, and sad, and bitter and mad, but with all that I am happy, because I get to play, and all the shit that comes with it, is worth it...

So, I am sorry I was difficult, but you do know how I get...but I wanted to thank YOU for chasing after me, for telling me it will be ok, for giving me a hug and telling me I made you proud, thank YOU, because it helps, because I don't need you to understand, I need you to be there, and you were... thanks.

this mini vacation was just what I needed....

I needed a hug from my mom, to see her face, to have her tell me that I made her proud and that she missed me, I needed my dad to tell me he was happy in NC, to see it in his face... this is why we moved... I needed to see my big sister, talk to her, know I wasn't the only one going through all this shit, I needed to see my little sister, she may not like me all the time but I missed her, plain and simple...I needed to hold my dog, fall asleep with her tucked in the sleeping bag next to me, hear her breathing, have her wagging tail hit me, I needed to talk to her...the best friend I have ever had

I needed to feel like myself, comfortable in my own skin, not worry about doing something wrong.....it was what I needed

but if it was what I needed why am I not ready to go back, ready to restart, why do I still wanna cry....

you're not going to cry, not over this, so what if you get them a day late... its just a day, and its not the end of the world, you're not going to cry.... ok maybe you can cry, maybe... but only a little I guess. a little release wouldn't do you any harm, nope, not going to cry? ok then, don't cry, because this is stupid anyways....yes I know its not really about this, yes I know its about so much more, but if you didn't cry about all that, you're not going to cry about this, you're not going to give in yet....not yet anyways

I'm just glad I get to get away for a few days, even if its only a few days...

" the rain cloud followed her home last night, dropping tears into her eyes, removing the hopes from her heart"

"I'm not playing, I'm accessorizing" - Remember the Titans

but I wasn't playing, or accessorizing...I took off the sweater and hung it neatly on his hanger, I attatched the balloon and put it safely into my closet, hoping I would never have to take it out again. I took the tags off of his new clothes, the shorts and tank top, even the sweat band. I put them on him. He looked awesome in the blue and white, but the orange ball was trully what completed his look. My teddy bear was dressed and ready for action. (thanks girls)

It's been six, long, heart-breaking months, but today all the pain seemed worth while, I can play.

you were singing in my car today... quietly so as not to draw attention to yourself, but you were singing and I heard you





I like how that sounds...you in my car :-)

:-)

your phone messages as of late have just made me smile
I'm glad we're friends

I though i'd be happy when iT ended...

tHought I'd be happy to Not be sitting on the side lines, to not have to thinK about how i mIssed My senIor year, think about how much I took for Granted.

it was Hard to siT on the side lines, but its haRder to rEalize its over, I won't plAy for NM soccer again, i wiLL never put on that jerseY, goaLie shIrt and gloves...

i thanK my girls for a wondErful season, i wish i could have given YOU more.