The calm before the storm, I think thats what they call it. That eerie peace. The quiet so still that you can almost feel it. I guess thats what I must be experiencing, because its not the dread I was expecting. Not the stress, the fear, nor the sadness that I was preparing myself for. Its a lack of emotion, an absence of feelings. I certainly can't say that I'm excited, but I'm not not excited either. I just feel nothing.

So this must be the calm before the storm, because I know it's going to hit. I know I'm going to freak out. I'm leaving and that has to bring some crying with it, tears of stress and sadness. For now I feel nothing, but I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop because eventually it will and then I'll be wishing for this feeling of silence.

We won't say our goodbyes,

You know it's better that way-

We won't break,

We won't die.

It's just a moment of change.

I don't like to talk about it because it's not something I'm proud of. Quitting something before it was done, half over, commitment not fulfilled. But it's something I had to do.

If I were to relive the situation the solution is simple: I just wouldn't go back. But since I did, I couldn't change quitting- it was necessary. But I would change how I did it. I wouldn't cry during practice, tell you I was done, write an email, or show up to that bogus meeting.

I can't change that I broke down. I fell apart, not just my basketball-self, but me, all of me... completely shattered into a million little pieces. But if I could, I would change what effect that had on you.

You lied to me, you used me, you played on all of my insecurities, you wasted my time, you pissed me off, and you broke my heart. But I was wrong too. I'd like to tell you that, I'd like to take some responsibility for the situation, and I'd like to tell you that for what its worth, along with all of the bad, you also made me better.

I still feel bad; for the things that I said, for the things that were said to me, and for disappointing all of those who believed in me. But mostly, I still feel like an idiot; for believing it could change, for believing I could do it, for believing I could actually change your mind, and for failing at all of those things.

In any case, its now a part of who I am. And for as much as I hate that I quit, it's also something I'm proud of. It's the first time I said no, said I'd had enough.

So, per usual, the good and the bad go hand in hand... its just not something I'm proud of

I sang in the car today. I mean windows down, sunglasses on, music blasting, singing at the top of my lungs, sang. I haven't done that in a while, haven't been that carefree or that comfortable in a while, since basketball season actually. It's because of where I was going, its because of that gym.

For the last four years, when I wanted to go home or when I needed to get away, I went to that gym. That gym is home. I walk in and immediately feel better. It is one of the very few places that I can go and just be me. There are no expectations and no rules, just a smile and a greeting of “good morning”. I never needed to call in advance and there was never a day that time wasn't made for me. Its the people, the memories, and the comfort.

I go to that gym because it’s like coming home...

Its not stress, well it is, but stress I can handle. Stress and I get along quite well. I actually think I work best under pressure. So the thing eating away at me, it isn't stress. It's fear. Fear of failure...


This is one of those few times I wish you were still here. You were better than most at handling my bitchy moods. You knew exactly when to talk and you knew enough to talk about nothing. You'd just talk, just fill the air with words, no real meaning, and nothing I really needed to pay attention, just noise, happy noise. And, more importantly, you knew when to be quiet. You never left me alone; you just sat quietly. Not an awkward silence, not impatience or waiting, just a comfortable quiet. You said nothing because there was nothing to be said. Just left me alone without leaving. I could use some of your aimless chatter and some of your friendly silence, this is one of those few times I wish you were still here.


It's fear, and as of Friday it'll probably be shame.