When you find the friends you know will stick by you through thick and thin....

-the friends you can call at 3 am because you need to talk
-the friends who come over simply because you don't want to be alone
-the friends who make you laugh even as the tears come streaming down your cheeks
-the friends who bring you teddy bears or bake you cakes
-the friends who cry for you, because they know how much it hurts
-the friends that offer to switch places with you, and they really would if they could
-the friends who, care enough to leave you little inspirational im's or cards
-the friends who know when you just need a hug
-the kind of friends that I have....

DON'T EVER LET GO.

" you seem like you're alright with all of this..."

I guess I am ok. I've learned there is nothing I can do. I can't change the world, I can't go back in time and not hurt my knee, I can't keep the world from changing, or my family from leaving. I am ok, no thats wrong.....I WILL BE OK.

The hard times come when you least expect them. Its not when I explain the surgery or explain what I'm going to do about staying here next year. The hard times are frequent, but often go unnoticed by all but me. Its when I see a girl wearing a soccer tee shirt. I get a knot in my stomach, and I can feel the tears begin to well. Or when a girl from one of my teams smiles, that fake smile like she doesn't know what to do. I get this hollow feeling. Or when I start to think about what I'm going to do with all of my free time next year....but no matter what I do, or who I see....

I feel like a part of me is gone.

She grew up playing the game. She went into the net when all the other girls cried because they didn't want to play. And as she grew up she grew to love her position in the net, in her net. She craved the power, the tears, the adreneline rush, the pressure, the thrill, the feel of the earth as a cushion to her dive, her gloves, the crowd, but more than anything....the team.

When she entered into highschool they told her she wasn't a goalie, but she persisted. And when the goalie got hurt she went into the net. She proved them wrong, she was a goalie. She got pulled up to varsity, she was a rookie, but she learned. She dealt with the coach screaming, the coach who told her she didn't deserve to be a varsity goalie, the coach that told her she wasn't good enough, the coach that told her SHE had cost her team the game..... but still she persisted.

She finally got the coach who knew the game, who knew the goalie, she got the coach who learned to respect her in the net. He made her captain and, he made her a better goalie. So why now does her time in net have to end?

She will never again stand in that net and feel the rush of a one-on-one, feel the rush of knowing its only her that stands between that ball and the net, the rush of running out and diving, the hit of the other girl's body against her own, but most importantly, the feel of the ball in her hands.....

good luck to my girls of the NM soccer team 2004, I'm sorry.

sometimes, even after crying so much that your eyes hurt.... you still have to cry because those tears keep coming and you don't know how to make them stop.












thanks to all my friends who helped dry the tears.

She's the type of girl who lectures her friends because they act like they need a boyfriend. She's the type of girl who hates when other girls put their friends second to boys. She's " one of the guys ". She's into sports not clothes, school not partying, running around outside not working on her tan. She won't dumb herself down to make any guy feel good. She's just not that type of girl.

But its that type of girl, who surprises you the most.

She loves romantic movies, could watch them for days. And listens love songs, she can seriously quote too many. She still dreams that some guy will come and rescue her, like in some fairy tale she read when she was 8.

But more so she wishes that he would...
hold her hand
wrap his arms around her
tell her everything will be ok
call her just to hear her voice
take her for a drive
smile at just the thought of her
miss her when she was gone
and so much more...

She wishes this because,
the thought of him makes her smile
she wants to call him just to hear his voice
when she talks about him she can't help but smile
she could talk to him for hours on end, about nothing
and because most of all she wishes he felt this way too


but he'll never know

ok so when the doctor tells you you'll have the results by friday, you have a tendancy to believe them.... well they lie!


results on Monday.



oh and I need glasses too, this has been the BEST vacation ever, only wait thats not true...

MRI tomorrow morning at 11:30, she said results hopefully by friday night...
Maybe I'll finally have an answer.



*I just wanna be the reason you smile*

Went to Maine, I have to say I loved it . . .

It had been a while, I thought things might have changed. I guess I thought wrong . . . such a shocker.

Doc's tomorrow, maybe this time they can tell me whats wrong with my knee. Maybe after they tell me I'll wish the hadn't. Maybe they'll tell me its nothing serious and I can play again as soon as it feels ok. But in anycase I have to hear the news, so the sooner the better, lets get this over with . . .

My mom: "Paige you have the nicest friends, that was so sweet of all of them to stop by"

Paige (smiles): "I know, they're the best!"

the diagnosis:
" Its really too swollen to tell anything right now. You have a lot of fluid in your knee, the inner joint is very tight b/c of the swelling. That is why you cannot fully extend or bend your leg. We'll take an xray to rule out broken bones but I doubt that is the case (xray showed no broken bones). Worst case scenerio is you ruptered your ACL. You would need surgery and recovery usually takes 9 months. At best you just pulled something, but pulled it badly. You could be better in less than a week if you properly take care of it. Stay off of it for the rest of the week and get it checked out again at the end of the week."

:-(

I can't help but smile when I think of you

Thank you, you made my entire day ok. I know we both already knew it but it meant so much to hear it. Thank you for all the years, we got many moer to come. No one else has to understand it b/c we do. thanks

FUCK MY KNEE! This better not be serious, I wanna walk.

Sometimes I come close to just actually asking for your approval. But I'll never have it, it'll never be enough...

You have no idea what I see when I look into your eyes...

Thank you, I don't know why you always let me talk, or why you listen...you probably hear the same stories and complains 20 times a day, but you always listen, always laugh, always smile and tell me its ok. I know I can tell you anything, you won't laugh at me, get mad at me, you listen...and smile.

I'm glad you're in all my classes (well almost) and I'm glad that we're friends...
I love our daily marathons,
our not listening in chem,
that you wanted to give me a party,
our laughs about Antuna,
and oh yes, even RIP CRASH!

You let me be myself, and thats my favorite thing.

It meant alot to me that you asked. I didn't even know you looked at this thing. Its just hard for me to talk about it. Too much to say and alot I can't put in words. With so much going on in everyone's life I don't want to take up your time, be like "hey focus on me, only I matter" because its not true, and you have your life to deal with too. But it does matter that you asked, it matters that you care, so thanks.

She sat on the edge of my bed, lecturing me about how I was being pissy. I said I was just being realistic and she said I was just being difficult. She said I always got like this when I didn't want to do something, she's right, but who doesn't get like this when they are forced to do something they don't want to do?

I guess its just the fear of rejection, the fear that they'll laugh in my face, but in anycase, its fear. So I'm sorry for being 'pissy' sorry for being "difficult' sorry for being afraid...

so I finally looked at it, I had managed to avoid the website, managed to not see my house for sale online, I thought the for sale sign in the front lawn was bad enough....

now its real, now its hit.

My house is for sale, I'll have to pack up all my stuff, my clothes, my books, my pictures, my furniture, my memories, my life....store it in boxes

But for now, its still my house, still my home, still MY room

He said that he'd look after me, He said if it didn't work out I could live with him, He said he'd watch out for me (and then laughed b/c he knew I woudn't "be bad"), He said I could call him ANY time, about ANY thing, He even gave my mom his number so she could call him and check in on me. but most importantly he said he knew I'd be ok, he said he knew I could handle it.

That meant the most, the confidence, the reassurance, the support. B/c of him I know I'll be ok, I know, even on my own, I'm gonna make it through, so thanks, to everyone who said they'd help or that they knew I'd be ok