so I posted this, took it down but after talking to katie, its going back up, even tho it makes me, well feel really vulnerable.... I just feel it needs to be said...
Growing up my mom always told me that if I didn't start to watch what I was eating I would end up... well "large". I always rolled my eyes, saying I would be playing sports and working out... basically I thought it wouldn't matter.
I was wrong.
It's pubic knowledge I don't really get dressed, I throw on sweats put my hair up in a pony and walk out the door, whats more of a private matter is why... there are some mornings I do wake up and I just don't feel like bothering, so I dress in sweats. But, what more regularly happens is, I get up and get dressed, in a real outfit. Then, I change the shirt or pants about 3 times, trying to find something that looks cute, you know... something that doesn't make me look enormous. Aways failing, I throw on sweats and walk out the door. My thought process is, I'm too big, I am not going to look cute even if I try, so why try?
I put on weight last year because of a series of things; a hurt knee kept me from the exercise I was so used to, my parents moved and I was cooking for myself, sometimes fatty food was easier to make, and I was unhappy. I don't mean unhappy, I guess I just mean unsettled. I'm an emotional eater, and whenever I was stressed or sad, I turned to food. Plus I'm a very social eater... I cannot be peer-pressured into alcohol nor drug... but icecream, that I give into.
No one sees me cry when I try on clothes, and hate how I look; that I do in the privacy of my bedroom, right before I thow on my oversized sweats. My weight is the reason I hate shopping, shopping involves clothes, and I actually become emabarassed/frustrated/sad when I buy a size whatever jeans, and my friends pick up size 4. I'll never be a size four, in all actuallity I don't want to be. With my height, I would look seriously illl. I'd just like to put on my pants, a bathing suit, a shirt, and not worry about how many people are judging me, or looking at me with disgust based on my size.
There are days I wake up and think "I don't care, I weigh more than I should... but I'm a good person, thats what counts, someone will love me for me" But most of the days, I know thats not how our world works.
I make jokes about my weight, but I never actually talk about the issue I have with how, as she so delicately put it, "large" I am. So why now? why the huge confession of tears and frustration....
My goal this summer was to lose weight, according to the scale in my bathroom... I failed. My mom has said it's because I have put on muscle, so the fat to muscle ratio has changed even though the number on the scale hasn't. Although I do agree with her, its not good enough.
This summer: I've eaten better than I used to, I won't even bother lying and saying I always eat healthy, I don't. But I try to eat smaller portions, healthier foods. I'm just not ready to give up icecream for the rest of my life... I don't think I should have to. And, I worked out 4-5 days a week. Not to mention I waitressed 6 days a week which, is a workout all in itself.... but no, this whole summer has gone by and I have lost 2 pounds. The number actually doesn't matter to me... but when I look in the mirror I look basically the same, which means I feel the same as before, big.
please; don't look at me the wrong way when I do eat a cookie in front of you, or tell me to order a salad instead of something else, don't act as though if I worked out more it would change.... its just not that simple, if you've ever been in this situation thats something you understand... thats not what I want.
I want you to look at the people around you and not judge based on size... look at the person inside, thats where true beauty is.
