Coming home is one of the things I look forward to most... I'm only here about 5 times a year... so the time means a lot to me... heck I paid 300$ to come home 3 days early this christmas.

The thing is, I look forward to it so much, I build it up in my head... and I always wind up being let down.

I come home trying to please, trying to impress, trying to "earn" my spot in this family... because no matter how many good convesations we have, no matter how well things are going, I always come home and feel left out, like I just don't fit.

I am super sensitive, and this seems hightened when I am at home. They know the buttons to push, the stories to tell, the things to joke about... the things that make me snap. I am quick to get defensive, quick to say things I don't mean, quick to hide away and cry.

I don't like who I am in this home... I don't like the way I snap at people, the way I feel that I HAVE to hide in my room, I don't like that I cry... and that when I do cry I have to hide it because it only causes more ... trouble.

I love my family... and when we're away everything seems to work. I talk to my mom daily. I know my dad loves me, casey and I are finally friends, and lauren and I are getting there. I just don't understand why when we are all in one house... it all seems to fall apart for me

I always wind up feeling worse about myself




I'm so relieved to be home... I just wish that these feelings would fade, I always thought with time they would. I figured I would eventually feel more comfortable, more accepted, more like a vital part of this family. . . but it hasn't happened yet