My favorite thing about this sport, (well one of my favorites), has always been the complete calm I feel every time I step onto that field. Its the one place where I can stand and just be. I do not stand in my box making lists, I do not stand in my box worrying; I stand in my box and for 90 minutes I think about nothing.
I don't even think when I play; I don't think about technique or skill- I was never very good at those. I simply react. If the ball goes up so do I, if the ball goes down so do I, and if you come in my box I hit you. Somewhere, unconsciously I must be thinking about angles, I feel myself reach out and touch the goal sometimes to check I'm blocking the net. And I must be reading the shooter's feet, her torso, her head, because sometimes I step into perfect position before the ball is even hit. But if I am doing these things, I am no longer aware of it. No longer stressing or worrying about whether or not I am doing it right.
My one concern on that field, is whether or not the ball ends up in the back of the net, in the back of my net. Because once you've stepped into the box, you're playing by my rules, and my rules aren't nice. My rules are very simple: do whatever, to whoever, whenever, to ensure that the ball does not go behind me, my one goal is to stop yours.
I have cried out of anger and frustration countless times in the net. In good games and bad games. I have cried at times when no one has noticed and times that probably everyone in the crowd could tell. No, I did not cry tonight on the field- instead I cried before.
So, tonight I didn't feel calm. I felt stress, I made lists, I thought about angles, I tried to learn players, and worst, I watched the clock- watched it count down slower than ever before. Tonight I fell apart. I made the same mistake again and again. I rolled the ball to my team with poor timing and angles. Instead of taking command, instead of coming out and owning the box, owning my box, I hung back. I wasn't ready, ever.
I fell apart on the field. I fell apart as a keeper because of all the other ways I am trying to hold myself together. I fell apart because I couldn't let the rest of my life fall away, couldn't let silence fill my head, even for just an hour. I fell apart because when I stepped on that field today I wasn't a goalie, I was just me.
I don't even think when I play; I don't think about technique or skill- I was never very good at those. I simply react. If the ball goes up so do I, if the ball goes down so do I, and if you come in my box I hit you. Somewhere, unconsciously I must be thinking about angles, I feel myself reach out and touch the goal sometimes to check I'm blocking the net. And I must be reading the shooter's feet, her torso, her head, because sometimes I step into perfect position before the ball is even hit. But if I am doing these things, I am no longer aware of it. No longer stressing or worrying about whether or not I am doing it right.
My one concern on that field, is whether or not the ball ends up in the back of the net, in the back of my net. Because once you've stepped into the box, you're playing by my rules, and my rules aren't nice. My rules are very simple: do whatever, to whoever, whenever, to ensure that the ball does not go behind me, my one goal is to stop yours.
I have cried out of anger and frustration countless times in the net. In good games and bad games. I have cried at times when no one has noticed and times that probably everyone in the crowd could tell. No, I did not cry tonight on the field- instead I cried before.
So, tonight I didn't feel calm. I felt stress, I made lists, I thought about angles, I tried to learn players, and worst, I watched the clock- watched it count down slower than ever before. Tonight I fell apart. I made the same mistake again and again. I rolled the ball to my team with poor timing and angles. Instead of taking command, instead of coming out and owning the box, owning my box, I hung back. I wasn't ready, ever.
I fell apart on the field. I fell apart as a keeper because of all the other ways I am trying to hold myself together. I fell apart because I couldn't let the rest of my life fall away, couldn't let silence fill my head, even for just an hour. I fell apart because when I stepped on that field today I wasn't a goalie, I was just me.
