I guess I was worried that the people who meant and still mean so much to me, would eventually forget all about me. I've left their town and I will not be returning, not for christmas break, nor spring, not even summer. I'm wrapped up in my own life, new things, new people, but today was so reassuring for me. The people haven't forgotten me and they've proven to me yet again that people care, and always will. It was just a really good home-town day, exactly what the doctor ordered.

I like it when people prove me wrong... thanks Y

it really doesn't bother me, well ofcourse it does but only because it frustrates me. I know in my head I barely made this team, I made this team when every one, she included, thought I couldn't, so this was just one more thing I had to conquer. Something I had to face, had to deal with. I had to earn it, and I hadn't yet... it would take time. I am okay with that.

But when she came over to me after the game and told me how good my team was, told me she had fun except she wished I had gone in, it hurt. But when I got his email and he said he hoped it would get better for me (he has never heard me complain, has no idea I don't enjoy it anymore) it hurt. But when he looked at me, and I could tell he didn't know what to say, it hurt. But when I finally got to see all of those people who mean so much to me, and they all avoided talking about basketball, not knowing what to say or how I felt.... it hurt.

I'm okay with the fact that I'm not good enough yet, I'm not ready yet, but I hate that the people who put so much time into me, had so much faith in me, loved me and made me love the game, were there to see that I'm not good enough yet and that maybe I won't ever be. I hate that they had to see al of their work, all of their time, ride the pine.






*I don't want anyone to think that this is the reason basketball isn't fun anymore, because its not. I really don't mind that I didn't play. I haven't earned my time yet, I know that and I know eventually I will, but this game has nothing to do with why I don't like basketball anymore, has nothing to do with why I dread practice everyday. This game was actually the most basketball fun I've had all year, so this isn't me complaining about the fact that I didn't play. This is me wishing that I could give something back to the people who have given so much to me. *

I wish I had something to write but I dont, the same things keep running through my head, and when I just stop thinking and let my fingers type, they come out... but I'm sick of writing, thinking, feelings these things, I'm sick of it all right now...BLAHHHH

I don't think I believe in the idea of fate... you know when people say "whats meant to be will be" and stuff like that, I just don't believe it. And actually I don't think I want to believe it. I like to think the decisions I make in life will actually effect my life, I like to believe that I get create my life, control it. If its all already plotted out for me, then why make any decision? why fight for what you want? why not just life happen? I know there are things in this world that are out of our control but at the end of the day, I get to pick who I am, its the actions I take and the choices I make that make me what I am and my life what it is. Sometimes we have to make the hard decisions and live through the hard things, but its what we decide to do with those hard decisions and hard things that we can control, they don't control us. I don't know, I just don't like the idea that I have no say in my own life... so I don't believe in fate, its my responsibilty to make life what I want it to be, even if its hard...