I know it was a few days ago, but its on my mind, been in the back of my mind ever since. I guess I just didn't see it coming. Thats never who I've been, not to you, not to anyone that I know of. I didn't know what to do with it then... still don't. Not sure if its real, not sure if you were just being nice, not sure how I feel about it. I mean I like the idea, but theory and reality are two very different things. It adds a layer of pressure, an extra stress I maybe don't need. I know this is exactly what I wanted, what I've been working for for so long, but thats what it is... work. It's a battle everyday, and if its something I achieve and then lose will that be worse? I appreciate what you did, what you said, but I'm just not sure where to go from here.

Decisions decisions decisions...

Do I want a roomate? or to live alone?
Do I want big windows? spacious rooms? high ceilings? closet space?
Do I want to be able to walk to work? or ride the bus each day?
Do I want pets? a cat? a dog?
Do I want a fitness center? a pool?
Do I want to spend more or save more?

I have no idea what I want...

It's day two and I'm already done. No, done's not the right word. I want to be done. I want to not study, to not waste mutiple hours a day, to not care... but I'm not done. I'm not because I can't be. Thats not an option. This is something I have to do, something I will do. But maybe if I didn't try, if I didn't put in any time or any effort, then maybe if I get another 5, I won't feel like quite as big of a failure.

I meant to give this to you when I gave you the necklace, I meant to have a card explaining the gift, explaining what it meant to me and what I hoped it would mean to you. But it was a long week, thats not a good reason, its not even a good excuse, but it's why I didn't get to write down everything I wanted to say.

And its been bothering me. So I know its late, and I know its not going to mean quite as much, but here is what I have been wanting to say.

"just like the lotus, rising from muddy beginnings into something beautiful and celebrated. as the saying goes... leap and the new will appear"

You are capable of anything, of any success or any goal you set your mind to. You are one of the most determined and hard working people I have ever met. Combining that with all of your natural talents, I have no doubt that anything you want to accomplish, you can and will do. I know you don't know what to do next year, where to go, or what direction to head in. But remember, nothing is permenant, and theres always a couch or bed in my house if you need it. I think you'd be an amazing business woman; in the corporate world making money, or helping others by working for a non profit. But I also think you need to do what makes you happy, and if that means you want to work with horses for the rest of your life, then thats the choice I hope you make. Whatever decision you make, now or later in your life, decide with confidence because no matter what you do, you will do it well.

be good.

not the ending that I was looking for