This is the part I'm good at.

I want to quit before I fail, it's the easy way out sure... but its also kind of a delusion. To think that I could actually control it, when so clearly if I need to quit, I can't.

Today should have been a great day, I wish it had been a great day.

I like to stay busy, because when I'm busy, when I don't have time to stop, then I don't have time to think. I can't over analyze, over plan, or over react. I just do. And life makes sense. That's how I work best, because when I have time; when I question, analyze and think, then I tend to dwell, worry, and second guess myself.

But right now, even with how busy I've made my schedule, I can't help but think and question. I know I need to make decisions and changes. I just don't know how to do that. The few things I'm sure I want, I don't know how to get. And the things I know I can achieve, I don't know if I want. I need to figure this all out, create a plan, and make some changes, but more than anything I need to stop thinking about me, about this, it's all very annoying.

This isn't coming out right. None of this. I feel like I'm thinking and saying the same things over and over, and yet, I'm getting no where, learning and deciding nothing.

I'm losing confidence, in myself and my decisions. I'm unsure of where I'm going, why, and whether or not its what I want. I don't know what I can do, what I'm capable of, or if I can live up to everything thats expected of me- expected by myself and others. I have rules, for myself and roles set by other people, but I'm not sure I fit into any of them, or want to, or if these are the rules I should be setting. I don't know what I want, and if I don't know what I'm going after, how can I achieve. . . anything? I need direction, goals, and dreams. Thats how I live. But mostly, I need to believe.

I'd give anything to combine these worlds. To find a way to succeed in my career, and not have to leave. I want to move forward and try new things, but I want to keep the old, the familiar, the things I love. I want to see new places, to travel the world, but I'll always want to come back, come home. I want to figure out my future, and I'd like this, all of this, to be part of it... I'm just not sure how to do that.

Don't you think I know? Don't you think those are the exact thoughts running through my head? The exact reasons I hate this as much as I do. The exact fears I face everyday. The exact self-doubt that keeps holding me back. They are my thoughts, my reasons, my fears, my insecurities... not yours. And yet it's your voice I will now hear when I think them. Its your voice that said them outloud... not mine.