"If I don't say this now, I will surely break"

I love this and hate this all at the same time. The lack of respect is going to break me, sooner rather than later. I know what YOU can do, we all do... but what about me? I'm not ready to lose this, but I see it slipping away everyday. "I told you not to" - is that really all you have to say? Thank you for noticing, for saying what you did and how you did; it's exactly what I needed. I am trying, but I don't know how to fix it. I want to go back, to that and then. And you're wrong, its not at all the same.

I don't think I can do this.

I don't think I can give up on everything else until this is over. I don't think I can sit down everyday and do this until it's done.

I know that I am capable of this- if we just talk brains. I know I can learn. I know I can understand. And I know I can pass.

But I don't think I can do this.

I didn't expect it to come out. I've been thinking the words and playing out the conversation we'd have, but I never thought it'd happen. It couldn't happen. Couldn't because it always ends in tears- and we can't go back down that road. And yet, out the words came. Out before I could take them all back; and if I could I would. But I needed to say it, I needed it to be heard, and you're the only one I could tell.

I'm sorry the tears came with it, I'm sorry because I know what that means to you. But as you know, there were only one or two. That's the new more mature me, right? Able to end it as quickly as it comes. I figured out that's what you meant- took me some time but I got it. I wish it had been more than a few though, I wish they had all come flooding out. I know you would have hated it and I know it would have opened a big can of worms, but that's what I need right now. I need that release...

I didn't mean for you to hear that, but I forgot how closely you pay attention. You listen to every word and every silence; you always have, but I forgot. I didn't mean to say I don't want to go. I do want to go, or rather I need to. This is the company that I want to work for, and this is the company that I think can best help me succeed. So, I do want to go. I want to try out this life. I want to see what I can do, and who I will become- I want to go. . . but I don't want to leave, and thats what I should have said.

I'm giving myself 5 years. Five years to pass exams and pay off loans. And then it's going to be decision time. Decisions about careers, locations, and priorities. I'm going to need your help with these decisions. I won't ask for it and I may not want to hear it, but give it to me anyway.

Remind me about how much I love this world. This is where I grew up, where I found myself through sweat and tears. I feel more comfortable in this gym than anywhere else in the world. Its the one place where I know exactly who I am, and it's the person I want to be. I know if I were to come back here, it would change. The people who mean so much to me would be gone, no longer watching over and checking in. I would no longer be the fun role model, a position I know oh so well, but I think I could grow to love a new role within these walls.

The problem lies in the changes required for this to be possible. I'll be hesitant to leave a job or switch careers. I'll be afraid of any change; but make me think it through. I may love my job. I may even love Hartford, (anything's possible right?) But if not, if you doubt my happiness at all, make me deal with it. Make me think, because right now this is my favorite part of who I am.

I've been here before, more times than I'd like to admit. I get here, I get comfortable and then I forget. I forget the comments and questions that run through my head. And so I fall back, because its easy and because I think it'll hurt less. But not this time, this time I cannot forget.