I was worried this year it wouldn't be the same. You had gotten a assistant coach but I decided I was going to come anyways. I worried I wouldn't have a role, would just be in the way, but turns out I did have a role. I'll always have a role because every one of those girls mean too much to me for me not to have a role.

Every week I looked forward to going to practice, going to games. I loved sitting on the bench with the girls, making them laugh, and giving them advice. Nothing can beat the smile of one of those girls, or the look they got when they new they did something exactly right. I loved being the person the girls were sent to when they got frustrated, hurt, sick or just needed advice, but even more I love that I was the person they looked at when they did something they were proud of.

I hate saying goodbye to them, but I said goodbye to each and every one. I got a hug, sometimes a few from each girl, a handshake from each dad, and moms telling me how much I had meant to their daughter and the team. I adore each and everyone of my girls, my aau littles, and I'll miss them alot. I've already decided that even without a car next year, I will see my littles, atleast once... I need to.

I wish you had said goodbye, atleast said something instead of running out while I said goodbye to everyone else. . . I don't know why you do that

I meant it when I said I'd never seen you this happy before, and I love that you are this happy. I hope you know how much it all means to me, how much you mean to me.

maybe this is what it will always come back to for me,
this feeling in the pit of my stomache
that no matter what I do I can't change this.

I've peaked
and maybe I'm not good enough.
I should just hang up my kicks and
take the hint.
I should walk away
so atleast I can say it was fun,
I gave it a shot and it didn't work out.

I'm not sure I can go through it again,
all the e m t i o n s.
When you step away from the world for a little while
none of it seems not so bad
But when I step back in,
even just a baby step,
it can hit and just as hard as ever.

I'm not ready to leave the game,
not ready to give up on the chance that maybe
I could work hard enough and make myself be great.

But deep down,
I think I should get out,
get out before I get in too deep,
get out and save myself from all the upcoming
pain,
d.i.s.a.p.p.o.i.n.t.m.e.n.t,
frustration.

I don't know what to do....
but right now I don't know if I can go back,
but I don't know if I can simpy walk away either.

I need to be alone, be in my car driving far away from here, far enough away so that no one can come after me, nothing can follow me. I need to leave all of this behind, all of me behind. It doesn't matter where I go, as long as its far away with people I don't know, people who don't know me. I need music that fits my mood, a soundtrack to all the thoughts in my brain, the melody my only company, the darkness my only friend. Nothing but road and headlights, I could drive forever as long as I could drive away. I need to escape from the world, from reality, from myself.