a great friend told me today she wasn't ready for change in her life. I guess thats the thing about change, it hits you when you're not ready, it hits when you least want it to....it hits and it hits hard.

Change hits hard because its new, its scary, its intimidating, it makes you realize all of the good that you have and that you will lose, it makes you sad, or mad, or just confused...but after a while what was a change becomes normal. The scary change has become life, everyday life.

The effects of the change are everlasting, good and bad...they make you stronger, they make you more appreciative of all the good in your life, they keep you on your toes, keep you ready, you just can't let them keep you from being happy for too long...

Change sucks and is hard.... but once you get past the tears, the anger, the fear.....change becomes everyday life, and everyday life is good :-)

He was perfectly nice, said nothing wrong.

I wasn't expecting to hear from him. We all thought he was MIA. But he called, he left me a message, and I listened. He didn't say anything about me, anything about anyone, just said he wanted to meet with us. He just said he had actually put together some stuff for us to do.

At the beginning of the message, at the sound of his voice I got mad. I don't know why, he was perfectly nice, said nothing wrong....but he made me mad. The message was quite long but by the second half of it I was in tears. He was perfectly nice, said nothing wrong but I just sat and cried in my car as I listened to his voice.

He had said he wanted to meet with us, I automatically thought of reasons I shouldn't and wouldn't attend. But when it sank in, I wanted to go, I wanted to be a part of this, even if it hurt me.

So even when it hurts me, even when the tears stream down my face, because they will....I want to be a part of this.

I just wish it was over....

she started packing, not just going through the small things, like books, clothes, or old notebooks. The things that don't matter....but the pictures, the newspaper articles, the presents, the awards, the decorations, the things that define who she is, who she wants to be.

How is she supposed to decide what is "important enough" to keep? How is she supposed to wrap up her memories and send them away? How can she explain keeping things like towels, no one understands the joke but her....or a soccer poster, she can't play anymore....or a license plate from a car she didn't even own? No one understands their meaning, their motivation, the laughs or tears behind the object, except her. She knows the tears behind the teddy bear, or the story behind the candle she will never light...so even though she can't justify keeping them, how can she send them away?

She's put off really cleaning out her room, afraid of all the tears, afraid to remember the laughs, afraid to let go...

she just likes who she is when he's around. she likes not being able to stop smiling, not wanting to....

*If only he knew...*

all I have to say is thank goodness its finally over....

and now onto summer :-)

How to make a paige

Ingredients: 5 parts intelligence 1 part self-sufficiency 1 part beauty

Method: Blend at a low speed for 30 seconds. Serve with a slice of sadness and a pinch of salt. Yum!

Username:

Personality cocktail
From Go-Quiz.com

Today someone asked me if I had had any second thoughts about staying behind when my family leaves. They asked if I had thought about going, if I was going to go...

well obviously I have thought about it. I have thought about leaving, running away with them. I have thought about how it might be nice to recreate myself, be whoever I wanted to be....even if only for a year. I have thought about going just so I could be with my family. so yes, I have had second thoughts, there are times when I doubt myself and if I can really handle all of this next year, well not even next year, its a matter of weeks now.

But whenever I think about leaving, I think about all the people, things, places, that I would miss. Even if I could recreate myself, would I want to? Would I really change, no, I'd still be me. Even if I moved to be with my family, I would be leaving in a year to go to college, so why delay the pain? Even if I can't handle everything next year....there will be people to help me.

so yea, I've had second thoughts, yea sometimes I wish I could just go and simplify life...but I can't and I won't go.

kate if you ever read this I want you to know you made my day. First the email and then the call. Its amazing that you are as young as you are because I feel like you are my age, you are wise beyond your years. Hearing your voice on the phone just made my smile.... I would LOVE to babysit you b/c it would be like hanging out with my friend :-) I am so glad I got to coach you and meet you, I am already looking forward to next season.

What's Your Style? Find out @ She's Crafty

...when I said I woudn't be calling her...it's because I'd be calling you.



thanks :-) (for keeping me sane)

when she swims she feels free

her knee moves without pain, and she glides through the water. Floating on a tiny kickboard she feels weightless. Running in water, though odd passes the time quickly as lap after lap seems to fade away. Even after her fingers become prunes she never wants to leave that world, the world free of pain, free of limits....the world of water :-)

The PT is annoying, making myself actually sit and do each exercise each day is demoralizing, not being able to go outside and just run is stupid, not being able to really swim well its a pain, having to wear this damn brace every minute of every day is hard, the scar is ugly, my leg is weirdly skinny, the whole getting tired easily is getting old very quickly, the slow SLOW progress of healing from the surgery is frustrating, but watching my teams play . . . . its heart breaking.

I just can't sit on the sidelines and watch the game, not when I know I should would could be playing . . . I know its just a game but it really was so much more. It defined a part of who I am, well was. But when I watch these games I just feel replaceable. I am replaceable (and thats ok....its just not fun). And its hard because I want to play, and it hard because I can't, but its worse because I feel like when I FINALLY am ready to play again there won't be room for me . . .

if every game will feel like this I don't think I'll make it through the soccer season, sorry.

The little smiles make me happy.

They've definitly improved but more importantly they've grown up. At first they were shy, around me and around each other, but not now. Now they come screaming up to me, dance around the basketball court, and even give a little attitude. They each are truly unique but that is why I love them.

From Kate who has a puppy and loves to tell me I am wrong to Lindsey who listens to my every word and giggles quietly when the other girls are loud, or Shannon who just loves to laugh, and she laughs ALOT, or Elizabeth who tho the youngest is the biggest girl there, also the only girl football player I know, or Kiley who tries to carry the team on her back, and gets so into the game, or Rebecca who would barely talk and now babbles on about her last family vacation, or McKenzie who still won't look at my scar, or Victoria who looks tough but is the most sensitive girl on the team, or Ellery who comes into practice with belly shirts on, but then can shoot a 3 like you wouldn't believe, and even Hailey who now hangs on my arms, tries to push me around, and makes fun of my limp....

These different girls from different backrounds have come together to form a team, a group of friends. They have overcome shyness, competition for playing time, already formed friendships, and awkward hellos and goodbyes, to form friendships that will hopefully last a lifetime.

These girls every week make me smile, and every week teach me why coaches coach. I can't wait to someday have little girls of my own.

"In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends"- MLK JR.

The scream of silence seemed to follow me around today, like a shadow I could not rid myself of. No matter where I went the silence would drown out all of the noise around me.

Sometimes silence is needed, a quiet place to think. Sometimes silence is healing. Sometimes silence is a heaven. Sometimes silence has reason . . . . . but sometimes silence becomes deafening.

*So tonight, I'll fall asleep with my radio on :-) I could really use some music :-)*

It was never really about driving...

But this time she couldn't stop the tears....

She holds it in because she feels she has to.

She won't cry in front of you.... not if she can stop the tears. She knows you wouldn't care, or judge. But she doesn't like to cry, not when you are there. When you ask she'll simply smile and say "oh well" or some smart other reply. . . she'll quickly change the subject and act as if she'd never cry.

But behind the strong straight wall...the tears begin to well. Deep down she knows she should talk, and she wishes she could say. But like a lump in her throat the words won't seem to play. She wants to break down and just cry, but she never finds she can. Eventually the tears will fall and she'll run to that friend.






* Lets join the circus* thank you