I'm losing myself slowly, I'm moving farther and farther away from who I am, who I want to be. I'm making excuses, for myself, for my actions, for my lack of commitment. And none of those are okay. I don't like to half ass things; to go through the motions with no feeling, no passion, no thought. But thats what I'm doing, thats what I've been doing.
I've given up and moved on, but the problem is I can't yet. I'm not ready yet. I'm not allowed- there are bigger things than my own opinion. Bigger things than what I think I want right now, bigger pictures and long term goals to think about, to work toward, to care about. So I need to refocus, need to re-energize, need to get my head back in the game. Because right now, I kinda suck and thats really not okay.
They deserve better... I deserve better.

This is one of the times I wish we could still talk about this, wish it hadn't become a taboo conversation. Because if we could, if we could talk like we used to, I'd tell you I feel like everything and nothing has changed. I'd tell you I know what I did was good, is good; but that its not enough. But no, I can't tell you, can't tell you because you'd say that I'm pushing too much or that I'm taking this too far or that somehow or another I am going over the top - you'd make it not okay. And it's not okay, but not for the reasons that you'd jump to. But I wish I could tell you, tell you about how frustrated I am, how much sometimes I want to give up, how much better I know I should feel even though I don't, how much I hate this. If we still talked, I'd tell you everything and nothing has changed, but no I can't tell you, so I tell me, I tell myself everyday.

: ) I'm really glad you're back