They said with each time I ran I would feel better. It would feel more normal, I would feel more normal. With each step I would feel closer to my goal, closer to being the athlete I used to be. With each drop of sweat I would regain my stregnth, my ability, and my heart.

but they were wrong

Each time I go running I feel like more of a failure, more of an outsider than I ever have before. With each step that I take I relive the fall and all of the pain, I am reminded of how far I STILL have to go. With each drop of sweat my heart breaks, because I think about the practices I should have been in, games I should have helped win, and the chance that I could lose it all again.

They said running would make me feel better, but instead I simply feel like I am running in the wrong direction, going farther and farther away from normal...





with each day my frustration builds...and my heart breaks

tell me something about yourself...

...tell me something true...

tell me when we talk, just the two of us....write me a note, just like back in the day, when passing notes was THE thing to do...scream it when you see me so that I can run to you...whisper it in my ear so that I, and only I, will know...call me a leave me a message, the sound of your voice is enough to brighten my day...show it to me, show me so that I will understand...

...tell me something true...

tell me something about yourself...

Even on a cold autumn night your smile can melt away my hard exterior, my bad mood. It was great to see you again...

Frustrated, because now I feel like even when I try, it doesn't work out. And I can't blame anyone else, because its not their problem, not their fault. But I am trying, and I don't know what else I could or should do. Frustrated because somethings can't be changed...

Scared, because what if this is the end of it? What if this is my wall I can't overcome. What if this is where it stops, then what would I do? How could I let that many people down, myself down? Scared, because its broke and I don't know how to fix it...

She walks out to her car and feels the brisk autumn breeze surround her. She sees the leaves have started to change color. She thinks to herself, what a wonderful year this will be...Fall is finally here.

It sucks, and it hurt alot more than I thought it would...

I hate that she came back again, I hate that she was here and made my life so much easier, I hate that she took care of me, I hate that she made me dinners, did my laundry, cleaned for me, and hugged me when I cried, but mostly I hate that she came back because when she comes back it means she has to leave again, and more than anything I hate goodbyes...

I don't want to back go yet, can we go somewhere? She says ofcourse...

"rock, paper scissor shoot....I WIN! You can't play the nose game with only two people, that breaks the rules!"

So on another road trip we go... we go and pick out stickers and fight over flowers, spy on our friend and laugh, we always laugh alot. We go and get food, our trips always seem to involve food.

But the trips aren't about the destination, its about the voyage. Its about talking to her in the car about everything from boys, to death, to love, to college, to crying, to marriage, its about talking to one of the few people I feel actually understands what I'm saying. Its about driving in her car in the rain and talking to her about things I never thought I would say to anyone. Its about being with her, someone I respect, admire, trust, love, enjoy, and most importantly want to be with.

And I know when I tell her I don't want to go back, not yet, I know she'll say ofcourse we can do something...and I know I'll enjoy our trip, but most importantly the voyage, and being with my friend...

I want to tell you . . . I want to look you in the eye and confess every secret, every emotion inside me, every fear I still have, every tear I have cried, every time I have wanted or needed a hug, every dream, every goal, but more than anything I want to tell you. . . When you ask and I say I'm ok, its not a lie...I am ok. Theres just so much behind the okay that I wish I could tell you, wish I could make you understand...I want you to understand. I want to tell you...but chances are...I never will

Schools back in session...

just one more year...

lets make it the best year of all...

make memories to last a life time...

and friends that will last even longer than that...

Let the games begin...