I made a plan, its what I do. I do timelines and count down days. I set goals, milestones, I measure time and progress.

July 24th - It was a 6 month timeline, 6 very long months, but only 6. Was is the operative word there.

I didn't see it coming, there was no warning, no slow down, no problem, just a sudden change in plan.

Hey - good job, things are going well. Oh by the way, its not 6 months, its 7. And then a brace fitting and then a brace. So basically 8.

October.

October is my new timeline, I can't do October. Another four months. Another two sports seasons lost. Another disappointment. Another heart break.

Heartbroken. That's the first word I think of, the first word I choke back. That's obviously not what people are looking for when they ask how I am feeling, people typically ask about physical pain. I guess it's less personal, more obvious. So I answer the question I know they are trying to ask, I tell them I am not in pain because my knee doesn't hurt right now. I don't talk about my heart, the ache in my chest when I think about going through all of this again, about everything I will miss, about the disappointment I have caused, about the tears I have fought back and know I will fight back in the months to come, about how sad I really am. Because saying it out loud would make it real.

Things happen in life that alter your course, change your plans, your goals, and sometimes even your dreams. Although there were many factors, the event that seemed for a long time to define my life was tearing my ACL and so the end in many ways of my relationship with soccer. There are times it bothers me even now, that I stopped playing the first sport I ever loved, the sport I could actually dream of having a future in.
This weekend after an intense soccer game a man asked what level of soccer I had played, and when my response was high school, he asked if I had ever thought of trying to play at a higher level, if I had ever considered trying out for a semi pro team... I understand this man is probably a no one, probably has no idea what it would take to actually play at that level, but I cannot tell you how much that meant to me.
Its crushing in some ways to know now that I could have returned to soccer in college, maybe should have, that maybe now things would be different. But in that moment all that I felt was relief. It was reassuring to hear that the confidence and hope you felt wasn't just a fantasy, something you made up in your head. That someone else sees in you what you have always felt was there... its amazing to hear that your childhood dreams may have been possible.

Another year, thats basically what I've agreed to, what I've signed up for. Its only a year... and yet so much more. I haven't even been here a full year yet, it goes by quickly, and seems to drag. The problem really with another year is how much it complicates leaving and how much harder it makes going back. Another year means growing more comfortable here, getting more accustomed to the pattern, the routine. Another year means I'll meet new people, like more people, respect more people... more people to disappoint, or not necessarily disappoint but more people who will deserve an explanation if I choose to leave. Another year means more miles, or more accurately miles that feel longer. It means more trips, or fewer, but again that requires explanations. It means growing farther apart from some, playing a smaller role for many, and being replaced for hopefully only a few. . . A lot can change in a year.

Can we pretend that airplanes

in the night sky

are like shoot stars

I could really use a wish right now

Questions... questions are filling my head. Questions are the worst because questions mean thinking and thinking is a dangerous thing. I actually believe that I, or anyone, can adapt to almost anything, accept almost any answer, coping- its part of survival. But questions, uncertainty, hope... thats what will get you every time.

I'm not good at keeping in touch. It's always been one of my downfalls. I hate picking up the phone and having big topic conversations: how's life, how's the family, what's new? What I'm really asking is, what do I need to know? What have I missed over the last # of weeks? or months? and I hate that I've missed things. I hate conversations with things to say, I would like to have nothing conversations. The ones you have everyday where nothing is really said, yet everything is. The ones filled with details and inside jokes. The ones in which you know everyone I'm talking about, already know the entire background story, already know which emotion I feel before I say a word. Those are the conversations that make friends, those are the conversations I love. I miss people being a part of my everyday and I wish I were better at keeping in touch