I need some motivation, some encouragement, I need to feel I have gotten somewhere, improved somehow... I need something to make me work harder, longer, push myself farther.


I need something...?

I'll call you, and when you don't answer I'll leave you funny messages. I'll send you cards and random gifts. I'll think of you when I see certain things or hear certain songs.

When I get to back to MA, I'll come visit you at Umass. I'll meet your roommate and treat you to dinner, lunch, breakfast. I'll come to your shows, and sit in the front row. I'll be the one clapping the loudest because you are MY tiny dancer. I'll hang out with Cassie, and if I'm forced I might even eat, and by eat I mean devour, her home made cookies. I'll visit your family, whether or not you are there with them. I'll sit through inquisistions, as many as you like, I'll sit through them, and enjoy them immensley.

As we grow up, I'll be at your graduation, your first broadway show. I'll come to your wedding, hopefully as a bridesmaid, and buy you the biggest gift. I'll help plan your baby shower, and watch your kids as they grow up. I'll even be autie paige, to little Charlie and her brothers and sisters. I'll be at your over the hill party, I'll be the one in the party hat pointing at you and laughing. I'll take you out for coffee on the first day of your retirement. I'll grow old with you, one day at a time.

I love you meg, I miss you more.

oh just invcase there was any doubt, I'll even share my underwear with you. :-)

can we go for a drive sometime? just you and me? you know, how we used to drive? it was never about the destination but about the voyage. can we talk for hours? because I miss you opinion, I miss your stories, I miss our inside jokes, I miss your laugh. Can we eat junk food and watch a movie? or go on another adventure? can we make up new nicknames, theres nothing wrong with the ones we've got now, I'd just love to have another set. can we argue about... anything? and discuss EVERYTHING, because thats what I miss the most about you, the way you understood. I miss your passion.



can we go for a drive sometime? miss you pate.

I haven't heard from you in a while. I'm sure everyonce in a while I do cross your mind, just a fleeting thought. I understand why I haven't heard from you, I mean I wish I had, but when things change so do relationships. This was one I knew would change, but I hoped and wished with all my heart I wouldn't have you give you up.

I know the next time I see you I'll be greeted with a hug. I know you'll still look at me with protective eyes, and parental thoughts. I know you'll talk to me, and treat me as if nothing has changed. I know you'll care, you'll always care, and you'd be there if I needed you. I know you'll still make fun of me, and laugh at my pathetic jokes, I just wish you could do all of that now.

I wish you would email me, say hello, ask how things are going. I wish I knew for sure that I still mattered to you. I wish you'd give me advice, or gossip with me, tell me your problems, talk to me. But relationships do change, people, in this case me.... have to grow up. I just hope growing up doesn't mean losing you, because thats not something I'm ready to do, not just yet.


I miss my guardian angels.

Just to have someone to talk to, to go to sonic with, or the movies with. To have someone laugh at my dumb comments and make fun of me when I can't speak. To be called Paige. To have you love the hawaiian ice as much as I do. To have people who understand what I'm saying, talk as fast as I do, and say wicked. To have you sit on my couches, in my house. To have you drive 17 hours just to see me. To have great friends, thank you for coming.




but I won't lie, saying goodbye doesn't really get any easier.

I have friends again :-)



even if it is only for around 48 hours. :-D

thank you for answering your phone today.

today sucked, I went to work and over the course of 4 hours only waited on 4 tables, I went home with 18 dollars pissed. I hate my manager, hes moody and bossy. I know he has to tell us what to do, but he treats me like I am dumb, lazy and worthless... I am none of those 3. It was my second day in a row of double shifts, and I had just learned I had 2 more coming. Plus an 8am meeting on Sunday. I went home MAD, upset, ready to cry but fighting the tears, hating my job and this place, wishing more than anything that you weren't so damn far away.

So on my way back to work I called you. As the phone rang I prayed I wouldn't hear your answering machine, I like to leave you funny messages but today wasn't one of those days, today I needed you. I needed to hear your voice, I needed to know that even though I was miserable, it would get better. You didn't say anything out of the ordinary, you were you... exactly what I needed.

I hung up the phone and felt better (and worse all at once). After a red light, I turned into work. I parked and as I was about to get out of my car I looked to my left, I was parked one spot away from a yellow aztec. (crazy right?). I decided it was a "sign". I decided my night at work would be a good one. Good money, good people, all of it good. I decided it was because of you.

I went into work, made decent money, had some good customers and some bad ones, but I walked out feeling good. Thank you for answering your phone today and thank you for the "sign". I miss you meg.

her post finally gave words to atleast one of my fears.

She said it wasn't home anymore, they didn't fit in there anymore. Maybe they had changed, or maybe they hadn't but their old home had.

Well, what if when I go back to MA it doesn't fit anymore? What if what I call home, doesn't feel like home anymore? What if I feel like the people have changed? or I have changed? What if it doesn't work? It has to be my home. I need it to be home, because this, NC, it's not my home.

I can't walk into a store and see people I know, I can't call my friends and go to the movies, or mall, or even have them come over. I can't go back to the HS and visit old teachers, or use the gym. I can't even go for long drives without getting lost. This isn't my home, its not the town(s) I know better than the back of my own hand.

but as much as I can't wait to go back.... I'm scared of what I will find.