the stars are an amazing thing...

She sat outside last night on her deck...just her, the stars and a blanket. The moon shone brightly enough that she could see the flowers on her deck, she could see the droplets of water that had clung onto the petals from a watering earlier in the afternoon. She wasn't cold but she wrapped the blanket around her tightly. She looked up to the stars and just thought....she thought about the past, present and future. She closed her eyes and took in a deep breath, the fresh air cleared her mind, she opened her eyes and listened to the silence. The only sound was the sound of crickets....a sound that had sung her to sleep many nights. At that moment she wanted to be home, she wanted her mom to come out with a cup of hot cocoa, not because it was cold, but because the taste of chocolate and the warmth of the cup on her hands was a memory that was linked forever with her mom. She looked out across the yard to her home, she saw the lights on....lights that had once been hers. So, she looked again to the stars, even if she couldn't see her mom that night, she knew her mom would see those same stars . . .

I never walk outside during work, but today we had to go around the newly waxed floors and this meant going outside. Although normally this would have pleased me greatly, today it did not because it was so crappy outside. Everything was wet and cold :-(. But I did walk outside and as I was walking I was looking at the wet beautiful flowers and I saw it, a four leaf clover! I got so excited, I picked it up vary carefully and showed it to everyone who was at the school, smiling like a kid at christmas time. This simple four leaf clover made my day!

...lets hope today is my lucky day...

"I hope you call today . . . because after you called yesterday I couldn't help but smile :-)"

this night helped her figure things out...

she realized that people are growing up and sometimes growing apart and even if she wants to she can't keep everyone kids forever, everyone grows up . . . . . but maybe thats ok

she realized how much her friends mean to her, how much she would have missed them had she gone to north carolina and even how the friends she doesn't see much can make her entire day a great one

she realized how much she just liked talking, learning new things about friends, talking out problems whether big or small, whether or not they involve her

she realized how much she loved summer, the stars, the warmth and the freedom from school and responsibilities

she realized how much she had missed holding that ball and just shooting around, she truly loves that game

she even thought that maybe, just maybe, that summer moon could work some summer magic ;-)

her biggest fear is not being ready for that first game...
 
so when she went to be re-evaluated at physical therapy...she was nervous and scared.
 
It started like any other visit....she mastered the stairs, then did the leg curls, squats, squats with weights, standing leg curls, and then skooting around the office, but this time the appointment wasn't over.  She faced questions, muscle tests, tests of bending and straightening her leg, strength tests, more questions and then her fear...she would be told how she was doing and whether or not it was good enough...
 
She felt like she did ok...but the therapist said she was great. She said she was doing well...so for the time being the girls fears were less....not gone because until the day she is allowed to play the fear will stay. So her work has not been futile and she WILL be ready for that first game, she has to be.

Overall the week was NOT great.....but the girls certainly made it much better :-D
 
minigolf and icecream...then the search for slushys
walmart for gifts..giving dating advice and dying laughing
target...phone call....ride up to gardner, I've never seen her smile so much
Love and Basketball then the bank and Denny's....don't worry country will grow on you
the 99, I robot, brownie mountain....then the inquisition
 
good times....great people :-D

it just really hurt to hear...

I know I can't lead by example on the field, I know I can't take control of the game, I know I can't lead stretches on the field or runs on the track, I know I can't even wear a uniform on game days... but when you told me I would be a captain the upcoming year you didn't mention one of those things...

You said it was because the girls listened to me, they respected me, I went out of my way to include EVERY one, I was a natural leader, I inspired and motivated, I encouraged, I worked hard and I always tried.

I know it won't be the same, I saw this coming....I know when push came to shove I wouldn't be a true captain...but to hear you say it. To hear you say you needed a new capatin, to hear you say we could go a season with just two (kathleen and meg)....it just hurt

I drove home today (again).....no not to the apartment..... home







:-(

I just look up to her alot :-)

She sings out of tune and they just smile her way. She dances around and they just laugh at the goofy girl. She asks real questions and they answer as best they can. She shows her fear and they take it away. She makes jokes at their expense and they laugh as if they had said the joke themself. She is quiet and they ask in concern. She sprays them with cleaner and they just spray her back. She throws her hair into a bun on the top of her head and they tell her how pretty she is. She sings out of tune and they ask her to sing louder...

not many people know them, or believe how hard they work. But after a summer and a half she knows, she believes.

Their lives have not been easy, not always happy, and now where close to perfect...but they admit their mistakes and teach her the important things in life. They really care that shes ok, that she smiles, and that she has a good time. They treat her as an equal, go out of their way to make her laugh, buy her icecream, laugh at her jokes, and listen when she talks...not just to her words but to her eyes, body language, and emotion.

They could just ignore the tall goofy girl and do their work, and order her around... but they don't ignore her...they make her feel as though they actually want her there, want to listen to her jokes, want to make her laugh, and YES...even want to listen to her sing out of tune

She knows how much she can learn from the people at her work, and she takes advantage of it every day.

Mixed feelings from the past days:

1.Goodbye, the word just shouldn't have ever been invented...but she didn't cry until her saw the car drive away.

2.He made her feel better....just seeing his face and sitting next to him. She tried to make him proud, even though she was simply sitting on a bench and yelling, she wanted him to look at her and smile. He didn't have to talk, he did but he didn't have to, the look in his eyes said enough....he cared and she just wanted to sit on that wood bench forever.

3. She opened the letter and she read the words written on the card...an appology for the pain, for the circumstances, and a goodbye she wasn't ready to read. As her eyes filled up with tears and the tears fell onto the paper and the ink began to run on the card she reread the letter time and time again.

4. She had a great time, even as they sat in the dark and just talked. 4 great friends she hadn't seen in a while...it was great to be with them again, even with the tears, silence, laughs and smiles. She wanted to cry with them, to let it all go....but in the car ride home she smiled b/c she knew what great friends she had been given, and what a precious gift it was.

too many thoughts...but shes taking the time to think


life goes on

the fourth of july was great.

Its always great to see family, her family can always make her smile. They always compliment her and take interest in what she has to say. They make her laugh with their alcohol induced comments of actions. Its crazy how such an incredibly mixed group of people can get along so well, and so easily. It was a nice break from her life of boxes, her house now only full of white walls....

tonight:
her first night in her new "home"
her last sleep over with tia
her first night as an "adult"
another night of many tears

tomorrow:
the last time she'll see her mom
goodbyes
the last time she'll fight with lauren
goodbyes
the last time she'll see tia wag that tail
goodbyes

***NOT the last time, but the last time for a while...long enough in any case***

so yes she's scared, and sad, and mad....but shes ready, as ready as she will ever be.

She just doesn't like goodbyes...