Ever since my mom and I had that fight in December, I haven't been able to cry. No matter how upset, or stressed, or overwhelmed, or frustrated... I haven't been able to let it out. Some people, including my mom, would probably say thats a good thing. Crying usually means that something is wrong... well obviously. However, as my discrete professor would say, A implies B does not mean that B' implies A'. That being said, not crying does not mean that everything is okay, it just means that you aren't crying. I don't have that many ways of dealing with stress; I talk to my mom, I cry, I eat, or I try to act like absolultely nothing is wrong. Sometimes I do these in pairs, most often I cry and talk to my mom. However, since the fight with mom, not only don't I cry, but I don't talk to her about anything serious either. With two of my major coping methods no longer viable options, I have reverted to eating and pretending that everthing is A-O.K.

Don't get me wrong, my world isn't falling apart or anything, but things aren't perfect. I have about 40 hours until I am lucky enough to take another one of my awesome exams.... so about another 43 until I am lucky enough to fail again. I know I know, I should try to be more positive however with my track record I'd say I'm looking at another big F. I don't handle failure well, and not to sound awful, but normally thats not too much of a problem. Usually when I set my mind to things, especially academics, I can succeed. I'm not so sure about this time, what if I can't do it? What if I picked the completely wrong field? I cannot handle another 10 years of taking exams, and failing exams. I do not need that kind of negative pressure in my life. I'm scared... but can you really blame me? And what does all of this negative energy add up to? Eating ... theres a whole different story, with the same ending, me unhappy with myself.

Maybe if I can cry, and get some of the negative stuff out of my body, I can stop putting all this negative crap in it.

I'm studying and counting down the hours... 40 to go... wish me luck

not sure that i want to go back down that road
but its so hard not to

Leaving NC is never easy for me, it brings up a lot of old feelings. It's been four years since I decided not to move with my family, and three years since I picked a college 14 hours away from home. Because of these decisions, I go home less often for less time. I don't regret either decision, but every time I go home I am inevitably faced with the guilt of not choosing NC, not choosing my family. There are no comments made that I should feel bad or that I should have chosen differently; rather appologies from my mother and plans made for the next visit. August, thats the next visit... August. I just wish that I could go home for a weekend, meet my folks for dinner on a random day, or not worry about whether or not my parents will be able to come to my graduation. If I had to go back and do it all over, I would do it all again, exactly the same way. . . but I'd warn myself that it won't be as easy as I had hoped.

Tia won't play with me anymore. I know shes old, 13.5 years old to be exact. I guess as awful as it sounds I have been preparing myself for her death, but what I wasn't ready for is to lose my best friend before shes even gone. Over the years she has slowed down, taken longer breaks, and slept more, but this time I can't even get her riled up. I've tried to play ball with her, wrestle with her, or just chase her... but nothing works. Tia has never liked to be held, she'll be pet but only for short periods of time. If I can't play with her or just hold and pet her, how do I connect?

She's my favorite thing about coming home. I can talk to my mom and dad on the phone, but Tia, well to appreciate her you really need to experience her in person. She's one of a kind; crazy, moody, not well trained, and absolutely amazing. She'll probably live to 15 or 16, and I'll still be excited to come home and see her, but shes gotten older and it makes me sad.