One month from today the trucks will pull into my driveway. Men will jump out in ugly uniforms and they will start grabbing boxes and loading them into the truck. The men won't be careful or care if something breaks. The boxes, they aren't full of their things, their memories, their home, their life...these things are mine.

One month from today I'll hand in my key and never again walk into this home. I'll never again lay on the stairs while my dog jumps all over me, never agian look out my window onto the bball court I painted myself, never again look up in my kitchen and see the waterstain from when my sister overflowed the bath...never again, never again.

But its not just the home, its the people who make the home. One month from today they leave me and drive away. They take my dog (my best friend), my mom, my dad and my sister..... they take a piece of my heart.

One month from today, my world will change forever....

P	Peaceful
A	Altruistic
I	Innocent
G	Gloomy
E	Enjoyable

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When she was little she climbed trees.

Well only one tree, but many times. She would sit in the tree to hide herself from the world. The tree itself wasn't comfortable to sit in, with bugs everywhere and a branch up her but, but the privacy was perfect.

Ofcourse her mom would watch from the window, knowing her daughter was up in the tree. Watching incase she fell, but staying inside because she knew her daughter could climb. She let her daughter climb the tree, all by herself, and sit all by herself because she knew how much it meant. She knew what happiness it brought to her daughter to be in a place where she felt secure, a place where she felt she could be herself.

The little girl has grown up now, and she no longer climbs her tree. Instead of a tree, it will be an apartment. Instead of a window for the mother there is only a phone. Instead of branches supporting her daughter it is the people she has grown to love. But still her mother will not take her from her security, from the place she loves so much, just as her mother would not take her from the tree. The mother trusts her daughter to live, to grow, just as she trusted her daughter to climb.

Yes the risk is greater, and the fall, if taken, much worse, but just the same the rewards will be much greater. Instead of privacy, independence. Instead of a little girl and her mother, will be a young woman and a friend, a friend she happens to call mom.

When she was little she climbed trees.

She loves to watch movies, because the movies give her hope.

When she watches a movie she falls into the characters, she will literally yell at the television. They become her world as reality disappears. Even after watching the same movie for the tenth time in a row, its great because she learns more about the characters that she has grown to love. The characters make her smile, and when the movie ends she is refreshed, ready to face her world. Because when the movie ends all is right, when the movie ends everyone is where they were meant to be, when the movie ends the good guy has always won, and when the movie ends everyone is happy.

Life is not a movie, there is no end when all in the world is right. But everyone gets those picture perfect moments, that moment when everything around you stops, the world goes silent, your heart skips a beat, and you feel as though nothing in the world could bring you down. Remember those moments, live in the moment, because you can't live in the movies. Those movies give her dreams of her picture perfect moment.... hope that someday her movie will end and she will live happily ever after, with the man of her dreams.

but she loves to watch movies, because movies give her hope.

I'm sorry I can't help you. You know I would if I could, but its hard to when you won't talk to me. You won't tell me whats wrong, and you shut me out when I try. If you want to talk, I'm here.

She's afraid to hurt it again, the doctor says its ok, it can't be broken again. Atleast not by just walking, just bending, just pushing.....but the feel of her leg buckling beneath her is not a feeling she could bare. So she takes it slowly. She's scared because its real, and she's scared because once the tears start falling she won't be able to make them stop.

This nightmare won't end.

At first, to her, it was a dream. Her knee hurt? It wasn't real. She wouldn't really need surgery, or rehab. The physical therapy was gym time, more painful but pretty much the same. She kept thinking that she could NEVER really miss her senior year of soccer, and maybe even basketball, NEVER. She thought that was only something you read about, or saw in the movies with some miraculous recovery.

Even the surgery was part of the dream, she woke up and felt fine. The nurses were nice, every one visited her, this dream just kept going. The next week a dream, couch time, pain pills, no school, no worries. She'd be up and running in no time.

But after just eight days of laying on the couch, eight days of pills, eight days of pain, eight days of showering while siiting on some plastic chair, eight days of discomfort, eight days of needing help to bend her knee, eight days of not ever being comfortable and eight days of feeling like shit...she couldn't wake up from the dream.

The dream had become a nightmare, and she can't escape.

She knows she'll never be alone. She knows even when she can't see them, they're always there. She knows she could call them if she ever needed to. But it just won't be the same. She won't be able to see their smiling faces, she won't be able to just look in their eyes and know how proud they are, how mad they are, how disappointed they are, how happy they are, or just how much they love her.

They aren't deserting her, they are moving on with their lives and she will have to move on with hers some day too. In a year or so it will be her leaving them, not them leaving her (not like this year). She'll stand strong with her head held high, but inside she'll still be the little girl who cried on the first day of preschool.

She isn't scared, nor alone.....just wondering how she'll do on her own.

She's spolied and loving it. Thanks.

She truly would like to thank everyone. She's been spoiled. The presents, the cards, the flowers, they can't take away the pain.... but they certainly make the whole experience much more enjoyable. To know that everyone is there for her is enough to get her through. Its amazing to her how MANY great people she knows and how much they have been treating her like a queen. She can't say thank you enough, because nothing can express how much she appreciates each person who has taken the time to make her feel special during this hard time.

So thanks, because when she looks around the room and thinks of all the great people she knows, she begins to cry. She cries tears of joy, because she knows she doesn't deserve this special treatment..... she loves each of you and she wishes she could some how repay each of you for all of the joy and strength you have given her.

She's spoiled and loving it. Thanks.

She has never come close to fainting or passing out before, but this time she was almost there. She went to the doc's. he unwrapped her knee. She saw the stitches, the staples, the swelling, the deformation, the pain. He straightened her knee, and he began to bend it.

She didn't know why but her face got hot. Her head became very heavy. She could hear the doctor talking to her but his voice became very distant. Her mom glanced up at her and asked if she was ok. She said she didn't know, the doctor told her to lay down. She could feel all of the blood in her head, she couuld feel how red her face must have been.

but slowly the blood drained from her head, she felt tired, but ok. She left the doctors with a new brace, a bendable knee, alot of pain, but a few less days of work ahead of her.

4 days down... too many left to count.

one thing is true....

the surgery was the easy part. The pain and uncomfort have begun....now it is just a matter of time

The nurses came in and wheeled her bed into the surgery room. They took blankets fresh from the drier and wrapped her up nice and snug. As they were putting her under, Mrs. Rossi (her nurse) asked her where she wanted to go on vacation, she said the bahamas. Ther nurse started creating a scenerio of laying on the warm beach with a SEXY cabana boy fanning her with a palm leaf. The male nurse began to sing to her some funny song. She fell asleep to music and a sexy cabana boy.

As she woke up crying from the anesthia the nurse kissed her forehead and told her this was normal. She grabbed a tissue and wiped away her tears. They told her stories, made her laugh and told her of how brave she was. Even though it was against the rules they let her mom, dad and sister in. Once her parents left for the room she would spend the night in they told her how pretty her sister was, then they whispered in her ear that she was the prettiest girl of all.

The nurses all night talked to her, made sure she smiled and was as comfortable as possible. They made her laugh, they complimented her, and they assured her she would be just fine. The male nurse in the morning taught her how to breathe, how to exercise, and even how to get a six pack while laying in bed. She earned alot of respect for the people who made her night as good as it could have been. They certainly know how to make a girl feel good.

She was frustrated, she cried on her way to pt. She began to wonder if all of this was worth it, if it was worth all the tears, the pain, the fear, the frustration...the last thing she needed was ONE MORE set back. But when she walked into pt she saw that face.

The face, that with one smile reminder her exactly how worth it, everything was. She'd go through it all 100 times if she had to. She talked to him for a while. He made her day, the fact that he was there made her ok.

She worked harder this time than any other time before. She pushed herself father, her knee straighter, even the electricution felt good. All the pain had left her body and she was left with determination. She would do it for him, she would do it for herself, she would do it for the game...

As he was on his way out, he said he'd see her tomorrow. He was stopping by the hospital just to see her. He offered to bring icecream, wow he knows her well. She simply smiled, and as she pulls up to the hospital tomorrow she'll continue to smile because of him. Thanks for the reminder, thanks for everything.

She went into the room and met with the surgeon, he told her of the procedure. He got her hopes up saying he could go in and find her acl totally intact, 10%, she'll take it. He told her of the risks and all the drugs they'd have her on. He played with her leg and told her what he thought. Then she went to meet with the preop nurse who again explained the surgery, the drugs, the risk, etc.

Then she went to get another xray, one just for the surgeon, then to PT. She met her new trainer person, he was nice but he said she had alot of work ahead (as if she didn't already know) He put her through a work out and then electricuted her knee.

On the way home she couldn't stop the tears. She had been calm, taking it well but the surgery had hit. She was scared and she was mad. She knew she'd be alone, there woulc be no one there to hold her hand, to dry her tears, to tell her everything would be ok. She finally realized the surgery would be the easy part, all the work she had done would be lost and have to be redone, the 6 months ahead of her would be some of the hardest of her life.

She just drove home and cried.

I don't even know how to say thank you. She's one of the best people I know, and I'm not just saying that. She deserves this more than anyone I know, and she gives it up for me.

Thank you, but it still wouldn't feel right. Friends always come first.

When I saw my inbox I got worried, I had had enough of the fights, enough of the tears, enough of the silence.....but then I read the email. Thanks :-) you don't know what it means to me, I missed you.

I just look up to her a lot.


-I hope that she knows that.

He wrote me back, and he made my day.

He said I'd be part of the team, I could be team manager if thats what I wanted, but then he siad something I didn't expect. He said he was going to have a meeting with the coaches and that I would be invited to come, he said to consider myself part of the coaching staff for next fall. He said if I needed anything just to let him know.

He said all this after only knowing me for a season. He said this after I said I wouldn't play spring soccer because I was playing spring basketball. He said that after how horribly I played in our last game during districts, the first game ever he took me out. He said it after everything...

He wrote me an email, and he made my day.

Driving is HER time. Her time to think, or her time to escape thinking, which ever better fit her mood. Sometimes she crys the entire way home, other times she sings as loud as she can, yet other times she just drives and thinks.

But this time she sang out. And although she sang VERY out of tune, she was smiling and singing as loud as she wanted. She could sing to any song, any lyrics.... and no one could laugh or interupt her performance. But with the songs and lyrics come thoughts..... one thought stayed on her mind, him.

She couldn't help but think of him while driving home in her car. Even with the radio blasting, and her dancing in her seat the thought of him didn't leave her mind. In reality, she probably didn't want it to escape...