stuck in a rut...


________________not really a great place to be...

Muscle men in very tight tees or no shirts at all look at her funny. This is their place, or atleast at 7:30 am it is usually just them. She walks in a works around them, afraid to mess up their pattern, their lives, afraid to be spoken to, but more afraid to be ignored. She knows in their heads they are laughing at her, they can bench press her weight and here she is lifting not even a third of theirs. But she also knows that after the laughing is done... they're impressed. Not because she can lift a lot, she can't... but because she is there at 7:30 am and because she is actually working out. She'll never have their ripped muscles or 6 pack stomachs, not even their buns of steel, but shes there that early and shes sweating as much as they are, and for that she has earned their respect.



new friends? NAH but atleast I'm not scared of them anymore.

I'm becoming frustrated, partially with myself but mostly with the things in the world that I cannot control. I'm scared because even though I want it, and even though I'm trying, maybe it just won't be good enough. I'm bored, and even though I actually can get into some serious TV drama, eventually the show ends and I'm still here. I'm sick of unpacking, rearranging, cleaning, or anything else that involves me working on my room. But more than anything, I'm lonely.



This isn't supposed to be a pityparty for me, I just needed to vent. sorry.

I'm running out of things to say, small talk is getting old. Jokes can only be laughed at so many times, and stories don't mean as much if you don't know the people in them. I hate talking on the phone, and I'm beginning to dislike sitting online. It's just not good enough.


I hate this.




there are exceptions to every rule... but I'm beginning to lose touch.

sometimes I wish the mask I put on for everyone else could stay on for just a few hours more, then maybe I could even trick myself... then maybe well maybe this would all be easier.

I want you to come visit, I really do. I want you to see my house, my room. I want you to come see where I work, where I drive everyday. I want you to see my everyday life now. I want you to visit my family, and play with my dog. I want to see you, talk to you face to face. I want to take you shopping and into Raliegh, to the beach and out to eat. I want to hug you and make you laugh. I want you to come visit.

BUT

I don't want you to come visit me. I don't want you to fly down here in a plane, or drive 14 hours in your car. I don't want you to leave your home, your family, your job, your friends. I don't want you to miss your everyday life... not even for a day. See, I moved, not you. I left, you didn't and you don't have to.

You can say you want to come, and you mean it. I know that. But, there aren't enough things to show you, places to take you, not even enough stories to tell you. There aren't even any people I want you to meet. So you could come, and I could show you my house, but thats not worth it. Not to me.

I miss you and I love you.... but I'll see you in August.

I took a picture today because it reminded me of you. It's not a great picture, it's not even a picture with people in it, but I saw it and I thought of you. So, I turned my car around, pulled over, took a picture and thought about how much I wished you were here with me. Except, not really, because from all of the stories you've told me I can tell this is going to be your summer. I wouldn't want to take any of that away from you, so enjoy your summer. Smile a lot, and laugh even more. I'm only a phone call away.

I miss you.

"please wait for her, like you do everyday. you know, how you pace in the hall to make it seem like you're not waiting, you're too shy to wait, but you are waiting, you do wait for her, and everyday it makes her happy. everyday she hopes you'll keep waiting. keep talking to her, because when you do she can't help but smile...... someday, hold her hand while you walk with her....hold her hand, and never let go."


I wrote that about you...a long time ago. You're my one regret.

It's different....

The speed limits are higher, mostly because everything is flat and straight. Out of the actual "city" the lowest speed limit I have seen is 45. People are polite and talkative, everyone and anyone. It smells different when you walk outside, it's not good or bad, just different. The heat is what I notice the most, just stepping outside is like stepping into a sauna. There are NO Dunkin's, not a single one within a half hour. Even the grass is a different shade of green. There are tractors on the roads, all the time. And fields surround every road, just growing. The shopping is less crowded. It's rained every night I've been here, the sky gets dark and it rains for 10-30 minutes, but then its done. The night is cooler after the rain. It's different, but it's beginning to become familiar.

I like to read. I read a lot of books, magazines, sometimes even the newspaper. I read to learn, to laugh, to cry. I read because there are things in this world that I don't know. I read about all sorts of different things, real and fake. When I read the characters seem to come to life, I know them, and I learn to love and hate them. I wonder what it would be like to meet them, or to be them. I worry about the heroes and I hope the villan dies. I love a happy ending, but I always crave to know more about the story, because in real life... stories never end.






I need a new book, any suggestions?

today I cried the happiest and saddest tears (at once) that I have ever cried before.

Thank you does not say enough, I'll miss you doesn't even begin to explain it, You'll forever be in heart, thats closer.... but what does one say to an honor like that?

It has truly been my pleasure, I have LOVED every minute of it, so, for lack of better words in the english language, thank you (times 1,000,000,000)