I find myself easily annoyed, easily upset... about little things, that in the long run mean nothing. But for now I find myself snapping at people, snapping at situations and snapping at life. Alot of things just don't feel right, and I mean it when I say I don't feel like myself.

I like to think I am generally a nice person, and I usually handle things, people, w/e comes my way, well but as of lately I am, well just annoyed....alot.

Its not a feeling I like. I guess thats it, I don't "like" alot right now, I don't like people (even the people I ADORE I find myself disliking) and things I would normally look forward to I find myself either dreading or avoiding, or simply not looking forward to them. I don't know whats gone wrong, but something is terribly amiss..... humph

I need to get myself back on track, back in tune with myself, back in line, back to normal, back to me....

I knew it would be okay because of a few things...

1) when I walked in, they worse sweats, all of them
2) they have a bowling lane... long story but I love it
3) the schedule, all of it, the quarters
4) I would be able to go abroad
5) they laughed when I said she looked more feminine

it just felt like it could work... only time will tell, but atleast now I know I would enjoy it

I don't know why... but you always understand me, always.
I don't really like the title best friend
We can not talk for any period of time and once we do begin to talk its as if no time at all has passed.
and I know you have your set of friends
I can tell you anything, no fear of judgement, no fear of ridicule, just honesty.
within which you prob have one you call your best friend
We really are the normal ones, the rest of the world is messed, not us. It couldn't possibly be us.
but if its ok, I'd like to call you mine
How we go to be so alike... I don't know, but I love it.
because that is what you are
You have your own world, and I have mine... but I love it when our worlds collide


be good...

so today was valentines day, but for me it was something much bigger... today, nine months ago I had knee surgery. At this very time, I was laying in a hospital bed hooked up to some serious morphine.

I know, nine months isn't exactly a huge anniversary, but for those of you who know me and who sat by my side while I cried, you'll remember.....today was supposed to be the day I was cleared to play basketball.

It was supposed to be nine months to recover, I did it in six... but I'll be honest. It took me about nine months, I truly haven't felt like I have been playing this game called basketball. I've been running up and down the court, bouncing a ball, and throwing it towards a net, but until just a few weeks ago I haven't been playing.

but now I am back, yes . . . there will be days my knee hurts and games when I suck, but I feel more like myself now. This injury isn't over, it probably never will be....but it did just move a hell of a lot farther away.

9 months....

it had never even crossed my mind, when I first thought about it, I thought never, no way, I laughed, but as time grew on, it grew on me. I found the idea slipping into my mind and making itself comfy. Still just an idea, and a crazy one at that, it would never come true...but then the thought of losing it.... the thought that maybe not, it bothered me... more than I liked. I was sad, I wanted it to be me... and maybe it is. But if it is... what do I do? Do I risk it all? Do I walk away? Do I go for it with all of my heart, and hope that it will work out? What if I only want what I can't have? What if I get hurt? What if, what if, what if....

I don't like this feeling of confusion, I don't like not knowing what to do, and I don't like that I don't even know how this will end...

You ask me what's wrong... And I look back at you, knowing you don't really want to know. You are concerned but deep down you probably don't want the answer, afraid of what it might be, afraid you might already know...

so I look back and ask you what answer you want,... you give me the quizzical look, 1) because I am being almost rude and 2) because you actually are confused, so I explain...

"If you want me to say its about my family being gone, I can say that. If you want me to tell you I am frustrated with my knee, I can tell you that too. If you want me to say its the normal Paige stuff, aka my grades, I could give you that line as well. If you want me to go into the whole story about college and money and the next four years of my life, I could go in that direction. If you want me to tell you its just the high school drama, the people, and the attitudes I am sick of, well I can tell you all of that as well. I can tell you all of those things because I feel every one of them and more. But my question to you is, which story do you want to hear?"






I was in a bad mood, but I didn't say any of that ... I thought it.

Instead, the answer I gave was... "nothing, I'm fine" not because I wanted to lie to you, and in all reality I didn't lie, not because I didn't want to tell you, because I did want to tell you . . . . but because I'm me .... and this is just what I do

I just wish you could play a few roles in my everyday life . . . . not every role in a few days of my life. I just wish I could go back in time...



but not all wishes can come true

she asked me who I'd be friends with through college, or atleast what I could predict...

I surround myself with wonderful people, so how does one guess? how does one pick? and why can't I stay friends with everyone? So I thought for a moment, and I started to name names, people I would be friends with, and those I would lose touch with, as I ran off the list of people who now play such major roles in my life, I realized how many of them I probably wouldn't know only one or two years from now.

When all was said and done, she looked back and me and said, so how many then will you actually keep in touch with, you know for atleast five years? I could only give her 4 maybe 7 names. I began to feel as though in the upcoming months I would be losing something bigger than comfort, I'd be losing friends...but as the realization swirled around my head another thought began to formulate... I am lucky

lucky enough to have, even just, four people who I love enough that I know distance will not change these strong bonds...that time cannot take away the memories and the respect I have for these people. That phone calls and emails will be enough to keep me forever tied to their lives, and they to mine. These four, maybe more, people will be in my life...for the rest of my life and for this, I am honored.

For the rest of the people who I will, as the world turns, slowly lose contact with, thank you... for the memories, for the help along the way, for helping me find the person I want to be, and although I may not speak to you, know the names of your kids or the career you chose, you will always be a part of my heart, and a memory that I will never forget...thank you

Growing up I thought changing the world would be well impossible, no one person could change the entire world, and maybe thats right.....but with adulthood right around the corner I began to wonder about the effect I will have on the world, the people in it, and the effect the world will have on me.

So my question for you today is, how do you plan to change the world?


after you tell me, I'll tell you.... thats fair right?