theres no one to blame but myself . . . for the good and the bad, I am responsible for it all

I'm scared because I think this is a pain I remember... a pain I worried I'd never forget. The thing is, I don't think I'd cry this time. Or atleast not as much. Its kind of a relief, maybe an out. But I don't want to do it again, not any of it. I did it once, most people don't even have to do it once, so how'd I get so lucky to get a shot at a second time around. I wouldn't rush this time, and I wouldn't cut corners, but I also wouldn't have that drive and that could really hurt me. The question is... do I really remember this pain, or is that just the fear kicking in?

so ready to give up....

I think for the first time... I dont really know who I am, who I want to be. I cannot make a decision, any decision, to save my life, because every decision I am faced with right now will help define who I am, who I want to be... and I don't know.