And maybe someday we’ll live our lives out loud * I run my life, or is it running me, run from my past, I run too fast, or too slow it seems * Tell me everything you want me to be, forever with you, forever in me * You might think this is easy for me, but there’s a lot of things you don’t know you don’t care you don’t want to see * All she wants is just a little piece of this dream, is that too much to ask? * You’re waiting for someone to push you away * And I’ve felt all this emptiness before * Her diamonds falling down * What I’d give * There’s no dollar sign on a piece of mind, this I’ve come to know * It has been, it may be the only way * One more small piece of you starts to fall into place * If you’ve got someone you can say goodbye to * Lights will guide you home * Let it go, Let it roll right off your shoulder, Don’t cha know, the hardest part is over * Everything will be wonderful someday…

I think life would be easier if there were no strings attached. If I didn't go back there, didn't talk to those people, or care so much. I can do it, I've done it before, I've cut myself out, not entirely... never entirely, but enough so that I didn't care quite so much.

But I won't do it now. I will continue to go back whenever I can, as often as I can physically get myself there, I will. Because being there means too much, because their words and their faces make it more than worth the drive, because when I'm there I'm happy, really happy, because now there's something worth fighting for. I have a role I intend to keep. People who I will not give up, will not lose.

So, no matter how much it hurts to leave, no matter how many times I question my decisions, no matter how many hours I spend in the car, no matter how many tears I fight off or smiles I fake, I will go.

I will go every time, and every time I will have this exact conversation, defending my decisions, in my head.

and then there are weekends like this one when I know if I don't go back I'll regret it forever

I have an incessant need to make sure people like me, to impress those I respect. And I guess thats part of the problem, I like and respect some of these people, a lot. So when they talk about my future, about my strengths, about my career potential, I'm not lying when I tell them it's something I want, something I'm working toward. Because it is... right now.

That was one of the big reasons I didn't want to start this job, I knew I wouldn't hate it. Its not super exciting, but its interesting enough. I don't love getting dressed, studying for exams, or being Charotte, but I'm a person of pattern so I do like getting up each morning and walking to work, just me and my ipod. I like my morning coffee, and I like that the office is quiet for my first hour of work, everyone else still making their way to town. I like meeting friends at the gym and getting back into classes. And I like going back to my own place at the end of the day, making dinner and laying in front of the tv. I could like professional me.... and professional me could be great at this.

So, I wish I hadn't started. I wish I didn't have to see these people everyday, build relationships, friendships, earn respect, work toward a goal. Because now, either way I have to let people down. Either way I'm going to lose respect, going to break bonds and quit on dreams. Either way I have to give something up, give up a part of me.

damn it

this time tomorrow I'll be working...

"you should do this" - four little words that hit much harder than their size. Any other week I would have been pscyhed to hear you say them, to know that you thought this was something that I was good at, to know I had your support. But not this week. This week, as much as I loved being in that gym with those people, I was just trying to get through, trying not to think about what a big mistake I had made.
I was mad in October. I was mad and disappointed. I thought everything had changed and I would never really come back, I thought I had to move away to move on. It was an easy decision to make because I was hurt and it was the decision I was supposed to make. But now? How do I leave now?
This is obviously what I want. This is the version of myself that I like best. This is the me I have always been, have always wanted to be. This is what I chose five years ago; this place, these people, me. This is the only place left that feels like home.
So I'll teach and I'll coach. I think I'll enjoy it. I think I'll eventually be good at it. I know having these two men watch and worry about my every move will make this all so much harder, all so much more complicated than it needs to be. But it has to be there, it has to be with them.
One year, it went from 5 to 3 to 1. I just hope this actually works out because right now I just keep wondering what the hell I was thinking.