I have an incessant need to make sure people like me, to impress those I respect. And I guess thats part of the problem, I like and respect some of these people, a lot. So when they talk about my future, about my strengths, about my career potential, I'm not lying when I tell them it's something I want, something I'm working toward. Because it is... right now.

That was one of the big reasons I didn't want to start this job, I knew I wouldn't hate it. Its not super exciting, but its interesting enough. I don't love getting dressed, studying for exams, or being Charotte, but I'm a person of pattern so I do like getting up each morning and walking to work, just me and my ipod. I like my morning coffee, and I like that the office is quiet for my first hour of work, everyone else still making their way to town. I like meeting friends at the gym and getting back into classes. And I like going back to my own place at the end of the day, making dinner and laying in front of the tv. I could like professional me.... and professional me could be great at this.

So, I wish I hadn't started. I wish I didn't have to see these people everyday, build relationships, friendships, earn respect, work toward a goal. Because now, either way I have to let people down. Either way I'm going to lose respect, going to break bonds and quit on dreams. Either way I have to give something up, give up a part of me.

damn it