"you should do this" - four little words that hit much harder than their size. Any other week I would have been pscyhed to hear you say them, to know that you thought this was something that I was good at, to know I had your support. But not this week. This week, as much as I loved being in that gym with those people, I was just trying to get through, trying not to think about what a big mistake I had made.
I was mad in October. I was mad and disappointed. I thought everything had changed and I would never really come back, I thought I had to move away to move on. It was an easy decision to make because I was hurt and it was the decision I was supposed to make. But now? How do I leave now?
This is obviously what I want. This is the version of myself that I like best. This is the me I have always been, have always wanted to be. This is what I chose five years ago; this place, these people, me. This is the only place left that feels like home.
So I'll teach and I'll coach. I think I'll enjoy it. I think I'll eventually be good at it. I know having these two men watch and worry about my every move will make this all so much harder, all so much more complicated than it needs to be. But it has to be there, it has to be with them.
One year, it went from 5 to 3 to 1. I just hope this actually works out because right now I just keep wondering what the hell I was thinking.