Heartbroken. That's the first word I think of, the first word I choke back. That's obviously not what people are looking for when they ask how I am feeling, people typically ask about physical pain. I guess it's less personal, more obvious. So I answer the question I know they are trying to ask, I tell them I am not in pain because my knee doesn't hurt right now. I don't talk about my heart, the ache in my chest when I think about going through all of this again, about everything I will miss, about the disappointment I have caused, about the tears I have fought back and know I will fight back in the months to come, about how sad I really am. Because saying it out loud would make it real.